I Need a Sign

All day I've been hearing this lyric in my head and I can't even remember the rest of the lyrics or who even sang it!  "I need a sign..." and then it melds into an old-school Robyn song I danced to once at Broadway Dance Center and re-discovered when I met someone.

"It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain.  As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain... Now you're gone it's like an echo in my head and I remember every word you said... You never were and you never will be mine."

It's 3am and I've just come home from one last trip to NYC before 2013 ends.  I've been there a lot and have still been having the time of my life.  In looking back to my previous blogs, I've noticed the central trend of NYC being a place of not only happiness and freedom - but epiphanies of life.  Well this time, while I am inspired by this city's energy and artistry, it is not the root of my newly found discovery about myself.

Sometimes it takes something bad to make you see the light.  A few months ago I was in a car accident that made me really look at things.  It was a minor rear-ending, but one that could have driven me into a highway, and one that made my head hit the glass window on a weird angle, causing me to have a concussion that took months to heal.  Ever since then I feel like I've been reeling... playing catch-up... acting weird.  I want to be so grateful and thankful for all these things... all these people who have entered my life.  (Hope it didn't freak them out...!)  Even as I tried to balance breaks and escapes from work and life, I still found myself drowning.  After the earthquake and typhoon hit the Philippines, I put so much more on my plate because my heart wanted to cry out to the victims and their families.  For a while I've just been feeling heavy-hearted... unhappy with my surroundings.

On Christmas Eve, I was home at my parent's house for 10 minutes when I had a seizure.  It's a good thing I had doctors and nurses around me!  One second I'm walking into the dining room watching my aunt being helped off the couch and asking if her feet fell asleep... the next, I'm lying on the floor in my dad's arms being dragged to the couch with a blood pressure device wrapped around my arm, blood on my finger from a sugar level test (?), my cousin popping in and out of my vision, and being force fed Filipino egg rolls and rice.  How I involuntarily ate a whole plate I will never know!

While I'm seeing a neurologist, we're pretty sure it was stress-induced.  It scared everyone, and it most certainly scared the crap out of me.  I have no recollection of those 5 minutes I was out of it convulsing, eyes rolled to the back of my head, making weird noises as if I were being exorcised.  I know my cousin was really afraid as he likened my seizure to the sound of one of the aliens from the movie "Mars Attack" (throwback!) and did a lovely rendition of what I looked like...

I stayed in bed for days until I felt "right" again.  Last night was my first day back to my house by myself.  Because of all of this I had nothing but time to sit and re-evaluate.  I haven't been the same since the accident.  The concussion slowed me down, which in turn made me feel unproductive, which then caused me to feel overwhelmed.  My life was a constant replay of the lyrics to Christina Perri's new single "Human" and Curtis People's "Afraid."

"I can turn it on, be a good machine.  I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need, be your everything... but I'm only Human.

"I'm afraid of standing in front of a crowd and letting all the people down...I'm afraid I'll have to compromise and not see my dreams come to pass."

I started to really question what I was doing with my life.  Was I truly happy?  Was I where I wanted to be?  Is it enough?  I looked back at some of my old blog posts and the answer is "yes"... but lately I see it slipping away.  I started to realize the only time I was ever truly happy all across the board was when I was in the city - and with someone.  With the concussion it's been hard to dance for myself, so I spent a little time with someone I had met by chance in Philly.  The difference in the city and with him vs. my life here is the energy.  There is something about the energy, the liveliness, and the positivity that surrounds me when I'm there and with him.  I feel like it's the only place I can truly be ME - no judgement, no hating, no pressure to be perfect in SO many ways, no constant re-thinking about the decisions I made in life.  I felt free and this person was somehow able to do something no one ever has.  I don't even know how, but he got me to believe... I am where I need to be.  I am doing what I need to be doing.  My life is exactly how I want it for now.  I've had to tell myself and convince myself of that, but never has a person in just 5 minutes do it for me.

Realizing all this has opened my eyes and made me think hard.  Without even know it, without wanting it or expecting it - I developed feelings I haven't felt in years... since 2003 to be exact... a whole decade!  I didn't even know it was happening (probably a defense mechanism).  I told myself I wasn't allowed to feel THAT because I knew it would only end in pain.  It took a seizure to realize this!

These feelings are here.  Like my concussion, that seizure really made me look at a larger picture and be grateful.. just want to say thank you to those who have unknowingly helped me and how it really meant something to me.  Sometimes I think people get freaked out and take it the wrong way when I am super nice and just trying to show how grateful I am for what they've done for me.  With social media and texting being the source of all communication it's so hard not to come off as needy, insecure, obsessed, and probably psycho... I wish all the words coming from my heart could be said face to face - in the same room - in a moment of physical personal exchange - not with seemingly insincere words on a phone or computer screen.  In this day and age though... sometimes you have no choice but to put yourself out there in whatever way possible - no matter how people may react.

In a year, where I was overwhelmed with hospital visits, choreography, performances, car accidents, seizures and flooded basements, I went through a lot and am coming out "still alive" (another CP reference).  I confronted the demons of the past.  I took Philly, DC, Maryland, Pittsburgh, NYC getaways - the summer obviously being memorable.. and even these past few times like my birthday.  I opened myself up in ways I hadn't in years and I felt... really FELT.  I'm letting myself admit I have these feelings and though I may not be able to act upon them (hence the Robyn song replaying in my head?) in so in many ways it's been year of milestones.  I'm finally back on my feet and ready to take on the world - take back my life.

But in realizing this I also became overwhelmed.  My friends tell me I look like I'm falling apart, that they wish they could fit me in their suitcase and take me with them wherever they're going, that I need to move and make the change now or I never will and I'll remain stagnant.. but that is so much easier said than done.  With the year ending, I'm proud of the monumental moments and experiences, but I'm also back to square one and am lost.  But I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I just have to... so all day I've been searching, watching, waiting for that sign.  I need a sign...