Friends!

Friends!

Friendship

I am that 1 out of 5 that actually truly and whole-heartedly means it when I ask you.. And perhaps all the people I encounter I truly wouldn’t mind seeing again. I mean.. coffee’s awesome! Why not? haha

The heart of today’s blog entry comes down to friendship and the things I’ve learned about it lately.

"I learned a lot about love when it left me. I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone."

It is true that you really learn who your true friends are when you are at your lowest point. When I needed one the most I had a dilemma. My best friend of 12 years left me and was the reason I needed one. My only sister was an ocean away in Europe and most of my friends were still away at school or all over the country - all over the world really. The ones that were close… Well we’ll just say, I learned.. and it hurt. 

Herein lies my problem in having too many expectations of people I considered “close friends” - people I’d be there for in a heartbeat - people I WAS there for in the past when I had a lot going on too. I get it. Life is busy. Priorities are made. Things, people get sacrificed. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t one of those people who got caught up in “life.”

It has been no secret that life has been particularly harder for me the past few years as I transition into this new life and basically starting all over again. It had been particularly harder since this past winter because of all the health issues and emergencies going on in my family that I had never had to deal w/before. I taught myself to live in this certain way, plugging along, 1/2 alive, but functioning and thrown into so much that there was really no time to deal w/emotions, and I’m pretty sure I subconsciously did that to myself on purpose. Before the dance recital I found it so hard to pick myself up sometimes. I tried so hard to hang on to positive things, however small. I was dancing more than ever and couldn’t be happier about it but at that point absolutely everything felt like it was bringing me down. At the same time, all these feelings of helplessness, all those late nights at the hospital w/whichever family member was in ICU or admitted to a room - started to bring up ghosts of the past that I just never properly dealt w/. I felt like I was drowning. People could see I was a ticking time bomb and I had a plan for some much needed R & R (NYC) after the studio’s recital, but would I be able to hold on until then?

It was at this point where I truly knew the importance of friendships and the people who care. No one really knows the entire truth of what a person's been through in the past. Some may know most - but not all. That doesn’t really matter though. It was clear I needed lifting up and there were little things that got me through and people who probably don’t even know the impact they made. 

Emergency international skypes, a random phone call, texts checking up on me, surprise visits, a song, a dance, an improv, stepping into the studio, stepping on stage, precious moments w/those you inspire - those who inspire you back - stolen moments in the dead of night, a beautiful voice, a gentle touch, being held and finally (for the first time in years) feeling content and safe in someone’s arms, fingers intertwining, falling asleep w/a smile on your face after looking deep into someone’s eyes, breakfast and coffee in bed, walking through the city hand in hand, dancing in a club not caring how you look, rooftops, stars, moonlight wishes, driving golf balls, catching yankee games at a bar, text updates when you’re at work, “i miss yous,” “i love yous,” laughing so hard it hurts, smiling so much people ask what you’re so happy about.

So many things, so many people in my life who made a difference w/out even knowing. I was probably the most lost I ever was but these little things, these people kept me just off the verge. Now that I am happy, that I am re-fueled and revitalized from my 45 day getaway in the city, I still deal w/the past. They say the most painful experiences sneak up on you when you are your happiest and that which you hide and lock away will have to be released and dealt w/or it will be there always - forever haunting you. I’ve been letting myself finally FEEL these things after all these years and you would think I’d revert back to the way I was before I left for the city… but I’m not. I have a different outlook, a refreshed mind, a mending heart, a face that lights up, eyes that smile… I’m in a positive place, a sunny place, a better place.

I have the city atmosphere to thank for that. I have the time I was able to be w/ME to thank for that, but I also have my friends to thank for that. When I was at a point where only negative things filled my mind, they helped me expel them. There were all these forces of positivity that surrounded me that I never took notice of until now.

As I look at my calendar, a few weeks before going back to the studio, back to the office, back to rehearsals and performances - back to LIFE - I find myself scrambling to make the time to reconnect w/or continue connecting w/all these people. Some of my friends who are closer will be leaving again, some I am further away from now that I’m home, and some I will be seeing more of w/things picking up again. But some I’m starting learn may have meant more to me than I did to them. No matter how busy life gets, if you really want to - you can find the time. It’s hard… trying to find that balance, knowing when to just let it be. Certain people will always mean something to me but I need to learn not to have those expectations that it’s the same for them. It hurts a little, but life goes on and you have to remember there are those who WILL make time for you.

Still, sometimes I get oh-so-tired of caring too much and putting forth the effort. At least I put myself out there, but sometimes I feel like an idiot, never knowing when to just give up because I’m making a fool out of myself. But in the end, especially if you’re someone special to me, I’m not the one missing out. I am at a time where I feel like I am my best me, my best self. I know who I am and what I bring to the table. So people can become a chapter of the book instead of a constant throughout the story. The door will always be open and I’ll even hold the door for them if they want to walk away. All I can really do is wait and see if they ever come knocking again. But the ones who remain? The ones who are still on my side of the door? They are one of the biggest reasons I am the way I am today and I am forever thankful.

First video to reach past 2000 views!

And it's 12.5 minutes of #dance !!! Thanks for watching everyone =)

Adele Choreography Mash-Up (with "Skyfall")!! (by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyxlGRzB6Ao&feature=share">Lauren Sion</a>)

"Cry For You" Contemporary Combo

This song and dance make me feel so good i had to keep doing it for myself at home after teaching it. Love this guy's stuff!

New York City - I Love You

So most of you know I've been away in New York City for 45 days this summer.  I got back around 5am Sunday morning, and I know all of you will be asking to hear all about it.  It was, of course, absolutely and utterly amazing (as expected).  Most of you know I'm a city girl at heart and if I had done things differently I'd be living in one, but Life's circumstances kept me where I am today.  Everyone tells me I should just move there already, but we all know I have another love here that I can't leave.

People I've seen all over have asked me what I've been doing in the city and I tell them, "Nothing. Literally."  I went to NYC to do several things - none of which involved the normal touristy, city adventures people think of.  I went to NYC to refuel, revitalize, recuperate, rejuvenate, rest, relax, soul-search, heal, contemplate, dig deep, find the real me - just be w/ME.  I've been moving so fast and throwing myself into so many things to forget and keep my mind and heart so busy that I don't have time to really "feel."  This was my chance to let it all out.  I can't tell you how refreshing it was to not have to set an alarm clock or not have to worry about planning my entire day out to the hour!

That being said, of course I didn't just sit in my apartment for 45 days.  I really just wanted to take the city in the way I wanted to.  My first 11 days were in the East Village, an area I am very familiar w/when my sister lived there for a year or so.  St. Marks was a block away and a lot of my favorite places like 7A were just around the corner.  The whole month of July I was back to the Lower East Side where I had stayed back in April and where my sister lived for 2 years as well.  The East Village apartment was bigger but I'm in love w/this comfy studio owned by a professional dancer like myself (but on a much bigger scale haha!), so it has dance in its soul and it feels just right.

Minus the one week heat wave of triple digits where I literally melted in the subway system and at Broadway Dance Center where I was easily banging out quad+ turns because of how everyone's sweat pooled together on the floor, the weather was actually pretty nice.  Feeling on fire escapes, reflecting on rooftops, sitting in the park, at cafes, walking around, people-watching, catching the city breeze - that's pretty much what I did most of the time.  There were times I just stayed in the apartment entire days watching netflix, catching up on TV shows, and eating whatever I wanted.  I really wanted the experience of just LIVING in NYC.  45 days is a long time.  I was so comfortable there - taking the subway, going to my favorite grocery market, cafe, and park, taking class at BDC.  I had my own set routine and I blended in.  People constantly asked me for directions, and I'm not going to lie, my heart felt really giddy when I actually knew what to tell them - which was every time! =)

Of course, I did live up the city a little more at times as well.  Friends from home came in - taking class w/me, going out w/me, just being w/me.  I re-connected w/old friends and flames from the past.  I went to the All-Star Benefit for Sandy at Central Park and saw the Joe Torre, the Philharmonic, and MARIAH CAREY!  Before you ask, I did see my sister a little.  She was there a lot during the beginning when I first got there - especially because it was so hot where she just moved to in Brooklyn so she stayed w/me at times.  I chilled at a Brooklyn waterfront, had brunch for a friend's birthday, and just hung out at places and did some light work and taking care of emails while she continued her job search.  After that I didn't see or talk to her at all.  It's actually been about a month.

After I stopped seeing her I basically went back to the normal routine.  I did meet a lot of really cool people towards the back end of my stay and couldn't have had a better time.  I owe my friends a great deal.  I don't think I've felt that alive and free-spirited in so long.  It felt like I didn't have a care in the world and it was nice to just get out there, enjoy the nighttime city life, and just chill.  Highline, dancing and chilling on rooftops, golf ranges, hanging out and catching Yankee games at bars... it was all so amazing.  I continued to take classes w/my favorites at BDC, went to Koreatown, shopped in midtown and Soho, walked through Chinatown, partied in West Village, Chelsea, and Lower East Side, ate some amaaazing food.  I caught Pilobolus which is an annual thing for me and I was utterly mesmerized as always.  I swear I must have had the biggest smile on my face as I walked around the city or sat on the subway, earphones in, listening to my favorite city music.

There's a song I know about never feeling alone in this city and while I spent most of my time by myself, w/myself - physically alone... It never felt that way.  It always felt like there was life around me - like a scene from a movie where you're literally frozen in time as the world makes it's way around you and you just take it all in - content, curious, never alone.

I left the city a few times for a friend's wedding, an old college teacher's master class, and rehearsals of course, but once I came back - it always felt like home.  On my last drive down the turnpike from rehearsal rushing to catch the last bus back to NYC I thought long and hard and made a pretty big promise to myself.  In all honestly, I feel like there's nothing for me here in the Lehigh Valley - besides my job - and that is a huge huge reason.  It is the main reason actually.  My family and all the companies I dance w/are a big part of me, but making a move out of the Lehigh Valley wouldn't deter me from seeing my family and dancing w/them as much as not seeing and working w/all my students would be.  They are my heart and soul and gave me a purpose in life at a time I felt it wasn't worth anything.  Them, that studio, the professional dancers I'm blessed to share the stage w/, that feeling - that is what gets me through.  Not saying that my current life dynamic will change but if by 32 - I'm not as fulfilled, not seeing a bigger future here... I've got to do it.  I have to take my chance and somehow, someway (without winning the lottery) - move to NYC.  I'm 27, so God has approximately 4-5 yrs to give me something more here where it will truly be enough.

In many ways it feels like I left my heart in NYC.  Actually.. I did.  But then I got back, had rehearsal for a solo last night, taught my first night of summer classes, and my heart's torn in two.  For now though, my love in the Lehigh Valley wins.  Besides, I will be going back to NYC as soon as Friday and have so many more friends living there and a few more moving there next month!  Still not the same since I don't have a place to stay.. but at least I will have that feeling again when the city skyline appears on my way in.

So what did I take from these past 45 days?  A lot of people try not to analyze the past or go back there because it's too painful or pointless (like I had been doing for years), but sometimes you have to go back to that place, re-feel, re-experience, then cleanse it from your soul.  There's still more to unlock from the box, but NYC was the Pandora that is the beginning of my Saving Grace.

So what did I do?  I did a lot of things.  I went back to the places in my heart that were locked away. I opened myself up to bigger and better things. I let myself heal. I found the parts of me I never knew existed. I rested. I danced. I did things for ME. I explored. I found peace. I found the calm in my mind. I found the positivity I've been lacking. I found love. I found this smile on my face that just says it all. As cliche as it sounds, I found me. I found a version of me you will want to get to know. I did everything I set out to do and more and I know it will not be the end of my love affair with this city.

So who wants to chill Friday when i return and i'm done w/class??? Haha