V-DAY & One Billion RIsing 2013 Dances

Before I go off to dance & take class w/my faves just wanted to say I believe #Vday & #1billionrising is SUCH an important cause & wish I could do as I did last year. No classes to teach, rehearsals & I'm not home dancing on my own! But here's some of last year's V-day dance moments when we, as dancers, struck, released, danced, and rose for justice! Enjoy and have a wonderful night! 

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyAtSm_OwqR8xEpBEp3zM9Zf3hzxSZO0r

Recovery - Taking Time

It's crazy how a single moment, a quick few seconds, a turn of the head & one ridiculously, idiotic driver... can make EVERYTHING change.

When I came home this summer from NYC, I came back a different person and everyone could tell. I was, as I said, the best version of me, happy, positive and in a sunny place - geared and ready to take on the beginning of the dance season. It didn't take long for all that to change.

September 17, 2013, not long after the studio started up again, not long after an Old City reunion w/a friend & a goodbye closure in Chinatown - life knocked me off my happy high. The moment that driver behind me decided not to look in front of him and cause my head to hit the window as it was turned looking for oncoming traffic - life had thrown me another curve ball and I've never really been quite the same since then. It's why all the very select & few moments I try to steal are SO important.  It's why I have to remember and remind myself always right now - I am still recovering.  I need to slow down and just take time.

While sifting through the mess that is the 2nd bedroom in my house, I found my 2013 calendar.  I looked at the time of the accident and onwards and then into my new one for 2014.  It's no wonder... I've been so focused on being me - on being perfect and above parr - that I lost sight of what I really needed... rest, time, recovery.  And maybe I did a little - my version of it at least - but my lifestyle, especially at that time, was not one where I could just take that time and heal.  In many ways I am still trying to catch up w/life.  I can't seem to quite get there.  I'm trying so hard to chase it down and in this race to beat it I've only stressed myself out more and prolonged my recovery.

What did I do after my accident?  What did I throw myself into when my head was scrambled and needing stability - physically and mentally?  I had a photo shoot  a few days later, I had a performance that weekend, I had rehearsal after rehearsal and have had 5, 6 more performances??  I kept dancing.  When I would teach I'd try not to move as much but it was so physically hard.  My students actually had to scold me...but then I'd go home and neeeeeeeed to move.. and so I would. I listened constantly to music for recital and was crazy with music editing and emails.  While I took a small break from taking class I still went into the city often and went to loud concerts, bars, and clubs.  I allowed myself to sleep a lot... but w/my lifestyle - healing a concussion no matter how minor is just practically impossible.

The crazy thing is that I have been feeling so unproductive too... and it's weighing down on me... and it's making me doubt my abilities... and it's making me feel like I am just not good enough in every aspect of my life.  It's making me question my entire life itself.  After the accident, after the health scare on Christmas Eve - I've been on this whole "life is short. make it count. be grateful" kick.  I feel like I'm letting myself down and making other people think I'm just weird.. and then my ego takes a hit and I don't know how to handle it.  My self-esteem seems to be plummeting at a rapid race and I'm overwhelmed with so many things, deadlines, projects, people... I'm not enjoying all the things that I used to.  It's like...when I got that concussion it was enough to slow me down that the couple outlets that actually made all the difference were not there for me and that's all it takes.  Lately it feels like my life is just spinning out of control.  You look at me and I seem fine - "tired", "stressed", "the usual" - but inside I'm fighting a battle with myself.

With how I'm feeling, the lack of self-confidence and belief in myself, it's starting to change me - and I feel extremely unhappy.  Something has to be done. I realized that no matter what's going on, what is happening I still continue to do the things I want even if medically inadvisable.  In the end, I will always get done what needs to be done and I will find the time for things that are important. 

Recovery - it takes time... time I think I don't have... but if I calm my mind, settle my heart, forgive myself, and let it go - I can actually take all the time in the world. 

"Say Something" (Christina Grimmie Cover) Contemporary Dance

So completely in love w/this.. so much.

A Locked-Up Identity

My eyes are so tired..

Of waiting waiting.

My arms are so cold..

From shaking shaking.

My head is a mess..

from always wondering.

My heart is..

..Sore & locked up again for protection.

~LJS

It's crazy. Today in rehearsal I talked about how dance is my life, and how yes, it defines me, but no, it never chose me. I had to be inspired and it took a movie from the 90s w/the rest being history.

What I didn't talk about was how at one point in my life, for a very long time - a time that used to seem so far away, dance was only half of me, just half my identity. Love was always the other part and I thought it was never ending.  I learned nothing lasts forever.

Dance had to be inspired in me but I always felt like I was looking for love.  When I found it, it became my other half. When I lost it, I let dance consume and fill up the void left in my soul.

Things haven't been the same since Christmas Eve. I feel myself, or my outlook changing.  My self esteem is plummeting, my ego is taking a hit, my heart is hurting in an unfamiliar way, and my head is letting it. Dance is my life. It inspired, inspires, and will always inspire me.. But there's a small voice that always asks if it will ever have to share my heart again.. And lately it's being drowned out by another voice - a voice from the past that I thought I had silenced forever.

You see, out of nowhere, the beginnings of love chose me, found me.. I had no choice. In a previous blog I wrote:

In the meantime, I'm just trying to have moments I can remember and hold on to in case they never come along again.  One of the saddest things is words never spoken, stories never told, and feelings you know you can never act upon.. but if they will give you even just a moment of reprieve and real happiness - you hold it all in and just have to sacrifice.  And I'm waiting... waiting...

But maybe one of the "saddest things" & moments you sacrifice for, let yourself be vulnerable for.. hurts too much. And the waiting game has never been your friend.

I used to believe in forever... But nothing is permanent. Life is continually teaching me that. This rough patch I've been going through since Christmas Eve, this feeling in my heart that I had forgotten about, this vulnerability I opened myself up to, the guard I unknowingly let down for something to sneakily slip through, the voice that has returned after so many years - maybe that won't last forever. I can only hope. Maybe my head has to take over again. Maybe my heart has to return to its locked box. Maybe it was cracked open for a just a second to show me once again.. Nothing lasts forever - even the waiting, even your identity.