A Locked-Up Identity

My eyes are so tired..

Of waiting waiting.

My arms are so cold..

From shaking shaking.

My head is a mess..

from always wondering.

My heart is..

..Sore & locked up again for protection.

~LJS

It's crazy. Today in rehearsal I talked about how dance is my life, and how yes, it defines me, but no, it never chose me. I had to be inspired and it took a movie from the 90s w/the rest being history.

What I didn't talk about was how at one point in my life, for a very long time - a time that used to seem so far away, dance was only half of me, just half my identity. Love was always the other part and I thought it was never ending.  I learned nothing lasts forever.

Dance had to be inspired in me but I always felt like I was looking for love.  When I found it, it became my other half. When I lost it, I let dance consume and fill up the void left in my soul.

Things haven't been the same since Christmas Eve. I feel myself, or my outlook changing.  My self esteem is plummeting, my ego is taking a hit, my heart is hurting in an unfamiliar way, and my head is letting it. Dance is my life. It inspired, inspires, and will always inspire me.. But there's a small voice that always asks if it will ever have to share my heart again.. And lately it's being drowned out by another voice - a voice from the past that I thought I had silenced forever.

You see, out of nowhere, the beginnings of love chose me, found me.. I had no choice. In a previous blog I wrote:

In the meantime, I'm just trying to have moments I can remember and hold on to in case they never come along again.  One of the saddest things is words never spoken, stories never told, and feelings you know you can never act upon.. but if they will give you even just a moment of reprieve and real happiness - you hold it all in and just have to sacrifice.  And I'm waiting... waiting...

But maybe one of the "saddest things" & moments you sacrifice for, let yourself be vulnerable for.. hurts too much. And the waiting game has never been your friend.

I used to believe in forever... But nothing is permanent. Life is continually teaching me that. This rough patch I've been going through since Christmas Eve, this feeling in my heart that I had forgotten about, this vulnerability I opened myself up to, the guard I unknowingly let down for something to sneakily slip through, the voice that has returned after so many years - maybe that won't last forever. I can only hope. Maybe my head has to take over again. Maybe my heart has to return to its locked box. Maybe it was cracked open for a just a second to show me once again.. Nothing lasts forever - even the waiting, even your identity.