Reflecting on 2014 - Dreaming about 2015

2014.. what can I say? It has most definitely been a year of many rises and falls in all aspects of my life.  It's been a year of new challenges, new hardships, re-connections, recovery, loss, and self-revelations.  Above all it's been a year of experiences, lessons, love, heartbreaks, adventures, disappointments, excitements, opportunities and change.  In a year where my health was in question and receiving difficult news was something I had to accept, I've had to sit back and reflect.  There's a lot you can learn by just watching and observing, and sometimes I feel like I've been on the outside watching the lives around me pass straight through me, and I've come to realize and even better appreciate the things and people I have in my life.  Focus not on the things you didn't have, don't have, or will never have.. or the things that you have lost and can never get back again.. but on the things that enrich you and will remain a part of you always - body, heart, and soul.

Professionally, it's been a crazy wonderful and inspiring year.  I don't know how many dances I learned, choreographed and performed but I did it somehow!  At times, I'd be running on stage JUST in time for the next dance.  I used to watch footage of myself dancing since my accident and concussion and could tell something was wrong.  It's so good to be and see my actual REAL self again.  This year was a struggle but I fought hard.  As they say "the struggle you're in today is developing you for the strength you need for tomorrow," and I wasn't going to let myself sink. 

I worked with the inspiring Keith Thompson in a 4 day residency and performed his choreography, premiered a new solo about breathing through life and following your dreams... "Turn your plans to dreams so you can breathe." was the theme. "[demanding] a quieter introspection of the way life makes demands on the body and soul... [A Power-packed acrobatic performance]" was the review by Radhika Baruah for an article in the Asaam Tribune.  I reunited with former college teachers and friends and got to dance with them one more time as we celebrated the ever-inspiring Karen Dearborn.  I learned a crazy cool duet with one of my favorite choreographers and people that I could never be sick of, joined a new dance company that makes me laugh so much my cheeks hurt, and performed in the beauty of the woods instilling the most graceful and ethereal of experiences.  I performed all over the place in the Lehigh Valley, Philadelphia, and NYC for fundraisers, showcases, outreach programs, and full-length company shows.  I worked with a videographer that visualized my movement in the coolest of ways and have my last dance venture before the end of 2014 with the same person, being asked to specifically choreograph to a certain song.

In the midst of all this I took some great masterclasses and spent a lot of time at Broadway Dance Center of course.  I taught and choreographed about 30 numbers at the studio I work at where I am continually inspired by my students and their passion, hunger, and eagerness to learn from me.  I taught some master classes at a few different places as well and to have me teach for them was an honor.  These past months we have even started rehearsing for the first dance convention in which my choreography will be presented and critiqued by renowned dancers, choreographers, and teachers.

It's hard to believe I even had time for a personal life but in times of re-booting I was able to support other fellow dancers, musicians, and friends.  I reunited with many to celebrate as they moved on to the next stages of their lives, learned all about beach culture, had Rita's for the first time in my life, and of course spent many moments in NYC.  In the summer I spent in this constantly inspiring city, so many things raced through my mind, my heart, and straight into my soul through this place I never feel alone.  I even got to meet Birdy at her concert with Christina Perri (my dream team!).  This weekend will also be a reunion of people that haven't been together in 10 years! This year, I had constant adventures in life and in love and there's so much to be grateful for.

Just as the year started I was all about being grateful, living in the moment, and planning now what you may not be able to do tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone who has been along on this crazy ride of a year with me. Thank you to my family, true friends, the best students, the most talented people to share stages with, and a special person who breathes me life - no matter how near or far.. always in my heart.  The moments we sneak in mean everything to me.  Always remember, we follow our dreams, and today that is all that matters even though I miss you always, most especially this time of year.  There's Something About December ;)

So what does 2015 hold for me?  The possibilities are endless.  The convention my ASH angels are preparing for is coming, it's time to start choreography for the studio, and my new solo "My Strength" will be premiering.  I'll be performing at Ailey in NYC, company-length shows in Philly and who knows where and what else... maybe even Poland!  A lot is up in the air and I can constantly feel myself being pulled towards my dreams.

For the last 5 years my life's theme has been about starting again.  How do you recover from losses so great you thought you'd never live life again?  Starting from scratch you dig deep and find that one thing that keeps you breathing your way through life.  In that time, I did it somehow.  For a while now I've been doing it...but once again I find myself at a crossroads, having to find the strength to start over again.  It isn't easy leaving something you've known and loved for so long, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you.  2015 will be a huge year of transition and I need to be ready.  In high school, I had a favorite quote.  It was on my yearbook page, AIM profile, and college application essays.  "I fall, I get up, I fall again... but in the meantime I keep on dancing like it's just another routine."  No matter what the future holds, what the world gives me, what life deals me... I will keep on dancing.  Here's to 2015!

Love Always,
Lauren.

New YouTube channel!

www.youtube.com/LaurenJSion

Photos by: Matthew Wright, Fig Tree Photography

danceETHOS performance company

Christina Perri "Human" Contemporary Dance Combo

Wow this video has surpassed the improv version and is my most viewed video on youtube!

Christina Perri "Burning Gold" Pointe Dance Improv

"I need, I need a change." - My JAM!

Christina Perri "I Don't Wanna Break" Contemporary Dance Improv

"Breath by Breath" Dance Solo Excerpts (WIP)

V-DAY & One Billion RIsing 2013 Dances

Before I go off to dance & take class w/my faves just wanted to say I believe #Vday & #1billionrising is SUCH an important cause & wish I could do as I did last year. No classes to teach, rehearsals & I'm not home dancing on my own! But here's some of last year's V-day dance moments when we, as dancers, struck, released, danced, and rose for justice! Enjoy and have a wonderful night! 

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyAtSm_OwqR8xEpBEp3zM9Zf3hzxSZO0r

Recovery - Taking Time

It's crazy how a single moment, a quick few seconds, a turn of the head & one ridiculously, idiotic driver... can make EVERYTHING change.

When I came home this summer from NYC, I came back a different person and everyone could tell. I was, as I said, the best version of me, happy, positive and in a sunny place - geared and ready to take on the beginning of the dance season. It didn't take long for all that to change.

September 17, 2013, not long after the studio started up again, not long after an Old City reunion w/a friend & a goodbye closure in Chinatown - life knocked me off my happy high. The moment that driver behind me decided not to look in front of him and cause my head to hit the window as it was turned looking for oncoming traffic - life had thrown me another curve ball and I've never really been quite the same since then. It's why all the very select & few moments I try to steal are SO important.  It's why I have to remember and remind myself always right now - I am still recovering.  I need to slow down and just take time.

While sifting through the mess that is the 2nd bedroom in my house, I found my 2013 calendar.  I looked at the time of the accident and onwards and then into my new one for 2014.  It's no wonder... I've been so focused on being me - on being perfect and above parr - that I lost sight of what I really needed... rest, time, recovery.  And maybe I did a little - my version of it at least - but my lifestyle, especially at that time, was not one where I could just take that time and heal.  In many ways I am still trying to catch up w/life.  I can't seem to quite get there.  I'm trying so hard to chase it down and in this race to beat it I've only stressed myself out more and prolonged my recovery.

What did I do after my accident?  What did I throw myself into when my head was scrambled and needing stability - physically and mentally?  I had a photo shoot  a few days later, I had a performance that weekend, I had rehearsal after rehearsal and have had 5, 6 more performances??  I kept dancing.  When I would teach I'd try not to move as much but it was so physically hard.  My students actually had to scold me...but then I'd go home and neeeeeeeed to move.. and so I would. I listened constantly to music for recital and was crazy with music editing and emails.  While I took a small break from taking class I still went into the city often and went to loud concerts, bars, and clubs.  I allowed myself to sleep a lot... but w/my lifestyle - healing a concussion no matter how minor is just practically impossible.

The crazy thing is that I have been feeling so unproductive too... and it's weighing down on me... and it's making me doubt my abilities... and it's making me feel like I am just not good enough in every aspect of my life.  It's making me question my entire life itself.  After the accident, after the health scare on Christmas Eve - I've been on this whole "life is short. make it count. be grateful" kick.  I feel like I'm letting myself down and making other people think I'm just weird.. and then my ego takes a hit and I don't know how to handle it.  My self-esteem seems to be plummeting at a rapid race and I'm overwhelmed with so many things, deadlines, projects, people... I'm not enjoying all the things that I used to.  It's like...when I got that concussion it was enough to slow me down that the couple outlets that actually made all the difference were not there for me and that's all it takes.  Lately it feels like my life is just spinning out of control.  You look at me and I seem fine - "tired", "stressed", "the usual" - but inside I'm fighting a battle with myself.

With how I'm feeling, the lack of self-confidence and belief in myself, it's starting to change me - and I feel extremely unhappy.  Something has to be done. I realized that no matter what's going on, what is happening I still continue to do the things I want even if medically inadvisable.  In the end, I will always get done what needs to be done and I will find the time for things that are important. 

Recovery - it takes time... time I think I don't have... but if I calm my mind, settle my heart, forgive myself, and let it go - I can actually take all the time in the world. 

"Say Something" (Christina Grimmie Cover) Contemporary Dance

So completely in love w/this.. so much.

A Locked-Up Identity

My eyes are so tired..

Of waiting waiting.

My arms are so cold..

From shaking shaking.

My head is a mess..

from always wondering.

My heart is..

..Sore & locked up again for protection.

~LJS

It's crazy. Today in rehearsal I talked about how dance is my life, and how yes, it defines me, but no, it never chose me. I had to be inspired and it took a movie from the 90s w/the rest being history.

What I didn't talk about was how at one point in my life, for a very long time - a time that used to seem so far away, dance was only half of me, just half my identity. Love was always the other part and I thought it was never ending.  I learned nothing lasts forever.

Dance had to be inspired in me but I always felt like I was looking for love.  When I found it, it became my other half. When I lost it, I let dance consume and fill up the void left in my soul.

Things haven't been the same since Christmas Eve. I feel myself, or my outlook changing.  My self esteem is plummeting, my ego is taking a hit, my heart is hurting in an unfamiliar way, and my head is letting it. Dance is my life. It inspired, inspires, and will always inspire me.. But there's a small voice that always asks if it will ever have to share my heart again.. And lately it's being drowned out by another voice - a voice from the past that I thought I had silenced forever.

You see, out of nowhere, the beginnings of love chose me, found me.. I had no choice. In a previous blog I wrote:

In the meantime, I'm just trying to have moments I can remember and hold on to in case they never come along again.  One of the saddest things is words never spoken, stories never told, and feelings you know you can never act upon.. but if they will give you even just a moment of reprieve and real happiness - you hold it all in and just have to sacrifice.  And I'm waiting... waiting...

But maybe one of the "saddest things" & moments you sacrifice for, let yourself be vulnerable for.. hurts too much. And the waiting game has never been your friend.

I used to believe in forever... But nothing is permanent. Life is continually teaching me that. This rough patch I've been going through since Christmas Eve, this feeling in my heart that I had forgotten about, this vulnerability I opened myself up to, the guard I unknowingly let down for something to sneakily slip through, the voice that has returned after so many years - maybe that won't last forever. I can only hope. Maybe my head has to take over again. Maybe my heart has to return to its locked box. Maybe it was cracked open for a just a second to show me once again.. Nothing lasts forever - even the waiting, even your identity.

Wake-up Calls, Signs & Sacrifice

Christmas Eve was a wake-up call.  Ever since then I've been looking for signs.  "Everything happens for a reason."  Hurry up, and give me this one!

Sometimes when people tell me to just do it and move already - I wish they could be my shadow for at least 2 weeks - no maybe a month.

I am not being the least bit dramatic when I say there's the potential my very life and existence could be altered forever... changing this entire game of life.  I've been practically inconsolable these past couple weeks which makes my reactions to my "wake-up call" even more important.  Telling people what they mean to me, thanking them for what they've done even if they didn't know they were doing it, doing little special things - a lot of people probably think I'm just being weird or overly-attached - basically coming off a completely wrong way. Who cares?

I had a meeting in New York 2 days ago to solidify a little more of what I need to do to fight for my life so all we can do now is wait.  My schedule's so ridiculous it's not even funny.  One thing is contingent upon the other and I feel the pressure of people breathing down my neck to commit.  I'm trying my hardest as my life has basically been put on hold.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to have moments I can remember and hold on to in case they never come along again.  One of the saddest things is words never spoken, stories never told, and feelings you know you can never act upon.. but if they will give you even just a moment of reprieve and real happiness - you hold it all in and just have to sacrifice.  And I'm waiting... waiting because this could be a sign to my entire future.

New York Artists for the Philippines - A Vast Difference in Networks

When I got home from NYC the night of December 30, 2013, I wanted to blog right away about the dance benefit I had just attended with my sister and the huge impact it had on me.

Ever since the earthquake & typhoon hit the Philippines in October, I had been feeling devastated.  I mean, it's not even a country I was born in and I have a billion relatives - I really don't know all of them THAT well, but there was something tugging at my heart and it was like a huge cloud of sympathy and loss - and this feeling of helplessness and disappointment that I couldn't help or do more.  All of my relatives in the Philippines always look to my sister and I as the "rich, stylish, hip" ones because we were born in America with parents that are both doctors.  I have no idea what life is like for them - I have only seen glimpses in the 5 times i have been there, but it has always made me uncomfortable and somewhat angry that they could pass such judgements.  I may be born in a different country but I was still taught the same customs and raised by 2 generations of FOBs still heavily connected to the homeland.  As a dancer, is my life really as they envision?  Living in the Lehigh Valley, I lead a comfortable life doing what, for years, I thought I wanted to be doing with my life.  Healthcare is an issue and my parents have to help me with that but other than that I do not lead the life of a struggling artist as most do... but that is because I live in the Lehigh Valley.. NYC or any other city would be a much different story.

The point is, I had always judged them for judging me - for not even knowing me, but after the natural disasters hit, I just couldn't explain what I was feeling.  Besides the fact that we didn't know if everyone was ok - no communication in or out whatsoever - and reading all the news, seeing pictures (I wouldn't dare to look at any news coverage), my heart was truly breaking and I felt an overwhelming sadness that only increased as time went by.  I really was so much more fortunate.  I remember witnessing the bouts if poverty everywhere - city to province and to think of people losing EVERYTHING - millions of people being affected, children without  food, clothes, shelter.. I wanted to do something.  

Ashley Bouder, the organizer of the "New York Artists for the Philippines" and a Principal dancer in the New York City Ballet, had talked before the show and said that in the wake of the devastation that was going on in the Philippines.. (how she is even connected to the country I don't know?  or is it truly a sympathetic cause with  no personal attachment whatsoever?) ..wanted to do something to help.  She thought about what she could do and she said "this."  At that moment I wanted to cry.

I had been feeling the same exact way the moment it happened.  I could do nothing but...dance.  I went to my basement, took the movement I had seared into my body and being and danced to Christina Grimmie's "I bet you don't curse god." The saddest song ever... It talks about being thankful for what you have because there are so many others not as fortunate and when moments of tragedy strike, how will you react?  the movement went perfectly as it always has.  From then on, I tried everything from social media to preaching to people about ways to help.  I posted my video everywhere with the links on how to donate and help, asked all my contacts to share it, and set up a facebook page, twitter account, set up a fundraiser online and tried using every resource I had to put on a dance benefit.  A childhood friend of mine in California set up a fund and in just days raised.. like $13,000???  I thought to myself, this is totally feasible - at least a small portion.  In the end, i'm not really sure what all my efforts did.  I put SO much of myself into this and I know I should be proud of the things I was trying to do, but in some ways it was like a loss of faith in humanity, showed me the true side of people, who really truly cared for me as a friend, and opened my eyes to my own network here in the Lehigh Valley.

One can only do so much.  My boss at the dance studio told me, "one little person can do many great things" when I walked into the studio practically in tears when hearing about more earthquakes in Bohol.  I wanted that to be so true.  I know that I should look at the more positive sides of things:

-the overwhelming response in my call for clothes, shoes, and canned goods that my family was willing to front the cost of in sending over in balikbayan boxes.  My students, coworkers, dance company colleagues - it was truly touching.  I hope that it was able to be put to some use.  Before any of this even happened, my mom has always taken things my sister and I didn't want to give to our relatives who didn't have as much as us.  Unfortunately the big organizations like the Philippine Red Cross were no longer accepting these type of donations because they were overwhelmed.  When disaster strikes and people are displaced from homes, the first thing people want to do is donate old, unwanted, unused things.  The warehouses were being overloaded that it was actually hindering the process of relief.  We finally decided to send them all over to Bohol, my mom's side's home province where there was a devastating earthquake.

-it was like pulling nails and teeth, but eventually raising $1000 in the online fund I had set up. I told everyone I knew, just give me a $1.  you don't know how long $5 could go in saving 1 life.  The most support for that I received was from my students - it was truly touching to know I educated them in this.  They'd tell me some stories on how churches, organizations in schools, and different people they knew were trying things.

-knowing who truly cared - people I hadn't even known for that long, or friends giving more than enough, the friends I thought I was closest to giving nothing... I couldn't even get enough people to share my page.  Shockingly, twitter got the most appeal and retweets and my dance tribute video was getting really popular.  Places like Broadway Dance Center and big dance companies and organizations with huge fan bases were sharing. There was also the fund the one dance company I dance for tried to set up as well and collect donations during our christmas performance at LOVE park.

When it was time for the fund it got even harder... so much harder.  There were so many generous donations like from my boss, other studio owners, my friends - close and ones I barely knew and had just met, and even the random ones from a complete stranger (scary though as he was some weird contact from LinkedIn who then proceeded to ask me out - let me tell you, I felt like I hit rock bottom when someone was using linkedin of all networks to hit on me...)

Asking for money directly is one thing, but what i wanted to do so badly was what Ashley Bouder was able to do with the help of her artist connections in New York City.  I talked to another dance company director whom I know closely and she gave me some ideas but it all just didn't seem feasible enough in such short notice.  I knew I could get dancers - the issue was someone who would donate space and getting people to actually come and care.  The United States was barely even aware of the continuing death toll and displacement numbers and had completely forgotten or not even had knowledge of the typhoon.  This storm... this super typhoon... has been considered to be the most deadly and tragic of history.  Everything the United States did for the tsunami in Japan, Katrina, Haiti, Sandy... it was like the Philippines wasn't even on their radar - which is so shocking because of how many of us live here!  When a student asked "why what happened in the philippines?" when one of my younger students dragged in 2 bags of heavy canned goods - my face crumbed and I couldn't hide my look of disappointment in the world...

Still battling my own personal battles with time, car accidents, concussions etc.. It just wasn't happening.  I could post all I want about a call for help to make a dance benefit happen but it was to no avail.  Again, my students were the ones that cared the most - sometimes recommending places.  It made me so sad, but I had to give up that possibility.  I, alone, could not do all that myself and stay healthy and sane at the same time.

At least I was going to this dance benefit at the Manhattan Arts Center.  At least I could be a part of something that was truly amazing and a true gift being used for good.  The opening of the program had a letter from Ashley Bouder which stated " the arts have given me so much: a life, happiness, and purpose.  As an artist living and working in New York, it is very important to me to give back to my community and to the world we live in."  She then talked about how she reached out to her community of not only dancers, but artists for help and there lied all the difference in the world.

She got the Manhattan Movement Arts Center to donate space, she had artists of all kinds to donate their time and effort to performance and auction items.  She had the resources, and she put it together.  It was networked and advertised well and somehow even got to someone like me!  Through whatever connection he had, an old friend of mine who I never thought would be interested, randomly invited me to like this page on facebook and from then on, I had penciled in the date, bought two tickets and hoped to find someone to come with me.

My sister came and what we saw was truly breathtaking.  This was no Metropolitan Theater or College or even high school stadium.  It was a small intimate space but enough - and the entire center was big enough to hold all auction items and free food and drinks.  umm what dance performance have you ever been to that had free wine and LUMPIA!?  oh my goodness! lumpia!  I was psyched before the show even started.

And then the performance began... Looking at the lineup of dancers - from Martha Graham, Ailey, Paul Taylor, Broadway stars, to ABT and New York City Ballet and even more.. it was spectacular to see.  Watching the excerpt of Ailey's "Sinner Man" was heart-racing and got a standing ovation, and even watching Ashley Bouder herself in a pas de deux variation from the Nutcracker gave me chills.  That moment she dropped into that back layout into her partners arms out of the pirouettes - I swear my heart stopped and my eyes teared.
  
One person. One person imagined this night, and her network and resources in the city realized her vision.  It was special to see and made me long for the city even more. And one of the best parts of the night??? Meeting one of my idols!  In a previous blog about music and dance connection I wrote:

"Yeah I have those amazing dreams where I can turn a billion times, do a billion flips and partner w/Matthew Powell or Sascha Radetesky (or just be Stella Abrera who is married to Sasha Radetsky and is a Filipina-American dancer w/ABT... One of us made it!)"

Stella Abrera did a solo and as simple as her costume and the choreography was... she was simply beautiful.  I don't even follow her that much but she lives the dream I always longed for.  Not only is she married and able to dance with Sasha Radetsky... the star who I had a crush on from the movie that made me the person I am today... she is Filipina.. and she's doing it!  ABT since 1996?!  Wow.  I've seen her perform too on college trips, and she's just so beautiful... What I'd give to lead her life.  I was so star struck when everyone was out at the end of the performance mingling, my sister practically forced her way into a conversation with her absolutely interrupting the one she was having.  I told her all about how I admired her, we talked about our cultures and how hard it is doing what we do, and she was in complete understanding and sympathy over my situation as a Filipina dancer in America raised by parents and grandparents born in the Philippines.  When she gave me a high five, and praised me for the hard work I tried to do for the typhoon relief as well... I felt completely validated.  

Was that what I needed to feel good about what I was doing??  For my birthday and Christmas all I had asked for was a donation to the fun even if it was a dollar bill.  The response I got was touching but so underwhelming at the same time... Did I need not only my idol, but a professional dancer from the Philippines making it in New York City to feel good about my accomplishments?  On the bus ride home I always feel.. almost depleted when I watch the city disappear from my view, but a tear rolled town my cheek.  If only, I had those resources.  If only I had that gut and determination.  If only I had that kind of support.  If only I had that city...

2013 in 45 seconds - the non-dance part of my life...mostly ;)

THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!

As our fundraiser for the Philippine earthquake & typhoon victims comes to an end I would like to express my deepest and most heartfelt thanks & gratitude to everyone for their generous donations!!! To know that people in this world still care - new friends & old, family members, co-workers, students, even strangers!.. Well it truly warms my heart. All of you knew how important I felt about this cause and the overwhelming response I received means the absolute world to me. We were able to raise $1050 & send 5 balikbayan boxes to the Philippine Red Cross & Augustinian Sisters Order of Dauis Bohol. If anyone still has clothes they would like to donate we have always been  sending them over to those in need even before the calamities of natural disaster. Just come & find me =). Thank you all so very much & God bless!

Much love,

Lauren.

Christina Perri "Human" Contemporary Dance (Solo)

Inevitable.