Christmas Eve was a wake-up call. Ever since then I've been looking for signs. "Everything happens for a reason." Hurry up, and give me this one!
Sometimes when people tell me to just do it and move already - I wish they could be my shadow for at least 2 weeks - no maybe a month.
I am not being the least bit dramatic when I say there's the potential my very life and existence could be altered forever... changing this entire game of life. I've been practically inconsolable these past couple weeks which makes my reactions to my "wake-up call" even more important. Telling people what they mean to me, thanking them for what they've done even if they didn't know they were doing it, doing little special things - a lot of people probably think I'm just being weird or overly-attached - basically coming off a completely wrong way. Who cares?
I had a meeting in New York 2 days ago to solidify a little more of what I need to do to fight for my life so all we can do now is wait. My schedule's so ridiculous it's not even funny. One thing is contingent upon the other and I feel the pressure of people breathing down my neck to commit. I'm trying my hardest as my life has basically been put on hold.
In the meantime, I'm just trying to have moments I can remember and hold on to in case they never come along again. One of the saddest things is words never spoken, stories never told, and feelings you know you can never act upon.. but if they will give you even just a moment of reprieve and real happiness - you hold it all in and just have to sacrifice. And I'm waiting... waiting because this could be a sign to my entire future.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
New York Artists for the Philippines - A Vast Difference in Networks
Ever since the earthquake & typhoon hit the Philippines in October, I had been feeling devastated. I mean, it's not even a country I was born in and I have a billion relatives - I really don't know all of them THAT well, but there was something tugging at my heart and it was like a huge cloud of sympathy and loss - and this feeling of helplessness and disappointment that I couldn't help or do more. All of my relatives in the Philippines always look to my sister and I as the "rich, stylish, hip" ones because we were born in America with parents that are both doctors. I have no idea what life is like for them - I have only seen glimpses in the 5 times i have been there, but it has always made me uncomfortable and somewhat angry that they could pass such judgements. I may be born in a different country but I was still taught the same customs and raised by 2 generations of FOBs still heavily connected to the homeland. As a dancer, is my life really as they envision? Living in the Lehigh Valley, I lead a comfortable life doing what, for years, I thought I wanted to be doing with my life. Healthcare is an issue and my parents have to help me with that but other than that I do not lead the life of a struggling artist as most do... but that is because I live in the Lehigh Valley.. NYC or any other city would be a much different story.
The point is, I had always judged them for judging me - for not even knowing me, but after the natural disasters hit, I just couldn't explain what I was feeling. Besides the fact that we didn't know if everyone was ok - no communication in or out whatsoever - and reading all the news, seeing pictures (I wouldn't dare to look at any news coverage), my heart was truly breaking and I felt an overwhelming sadness that only increased as time went by. I really was so much more fortunate. I remember witnessing the bouts if poverty everywhere - city to province and to think of people losing EVERYTHING - millions of people being affected, children without food, clothes, shelter.. I wanted to do something.
Ashley Bouder, the organizer of the "New York Artists for the Philippines" and a Principal dancer in the New York City Ballet, had talked before the show and said that in the wake of the devastation that was going on in the Philippines.. (how she is even connected to the country I don't know? or is it truly a sympathetic cause with no personal attachment whatsoever?) ..wanted to do something to help. She thought about what she could do and she said "this." At that moment I wanted to cry.
I had been feeling the same exact way the moment it happened. I could do nothing but...dance. I went to my basement, took the movement I had seared into my body and being and danced to Christina Grimmie's "I bet you don't curse god." The saddest song ever... It talks about being thankful for what you have because there are so many others not as fortunate and when moments of tragedy strike, how will you react? the movement went perfectly as it always has. From then on, I tried everything from social media to preaching to people about ways to help. I posted my video everywhere with the links on how to donate and help, asked all my contacts to share it, and set up a facebook page, twitter account, set up a fundraiser online and tried using every resource I had to put on a dance benefit. A childhood friend of mine in California set up a fund and in just days raised.. like $13,000??? I thought to myself, this is totally feasible - at least a small portion. In the end, i'm not really sure what all my efforts did. I put SO much of myself into this and I know I should be proud of the things I was trying to do, but in some ways it was like a loss of faith in humanity, showed me the true side of people, who really truly cared for me as a friend, and opened my eyes to my own network here in the Lehigh Valley.
One can only do so much. My boss at the dance studio told me, "one little person can do many great things" when I walked into the studio practically in tears when hearing about more earthquakes in Bohol. I wanted that to be so true. I know that I should look at the more positive sides of things:
-the overwhelming response in my call for clothes, shoes, and canned goods that my family was willing to front the cost of in sending over in balikbayan boxes. My students, coworkers, dance company colleagues - it was truly touching. I hope that it was able to be put to some use. Before any of this even happened, my mom has always taken things my sister and I didn't want to give to our relatives who didn't have as much as us. Unfortunately the big organizations like the Philippine Red Cross were no longer accepting these type of donations because they were overwhelmed. When disaster strikes and people are displaced from homes, the first thing people want to do is donate old, unwanted, unused things. The warehouses were being overloaded that it was actually hindering the process of relief. We finally decided to send them all over to Bohol, my mom's side's home province where there was a devastating earthquake.
-it was like pulling nails and teeth, but eventually raising $1000 in the online fund I had set up. I told everyone I knew, just give me a $1. you don't know how long $5 could go in saving 1 life. The most support for that I received was from my students - it was truly touching to know I educated them in this. They'd tell me some stories on how churches, organizations in schools, and different people they knew were trying things.
-knowing who truly cared - people I hadn't even known for that long, or friends giving more than enough, the friends I thought I was closest to giving nothing... I couldn't even get enough people to share my page. Shockingly, twitter got the most appeal and retweets and my dance tribute video was getting really popular. Places like Broadway Dance Center and big dance companies and organizations with huge fan bases were sharing. There was also the fund the one dance company I dance for tried to set up as well and collect donations during our christmas performance at LOVE park.
When it was time for the fund it got even harder... so much harder. There were so many generous donations like from my boss, other studio owners, my friends - close and ones I barely knew and had just met, and even the random ones from a complete stranger (scary though as he was some weird contact from LinkedIn who then proceeded to ask me out - let me tell you, I felt like I hit rock bottom when someone was using linkedin of all networks to hit on me...)
Asking for money directly is one thing, but what i wanted to do so badly was what Ashley Bouder was able to do with the help of her artist connections in New York City. I talked to another dance company director whom I know closely and she gave me some ideas but it all just didn't seem feasible enough in such short notice. I knew I could get dancers - the issue was someone who would donate space and getting people to actually come and care. The United States was barely even aware of the continuing death toll and displacement numbers and had completely forgotten or not even had knowledge of the typhoon. This storm... this super typhoon... has been considered to be the most deadly and tragic of history. Everything the United States did for the tsunami in Japan, Katrina, Haiti, Sandy... it was like the Philippines wasn't even on their radar - which is so shocking because of how many of us live here! When a student asked "why what happened in the philippines?" when one of my younger students dragged in 2 bags of heavy canned goods - my face crumbed and I couldn't hide my look of disappointment in the world...
Still battling my own personal battles with time, car accidents, concussions etc.. It just wasn't happening. I could post all I want about a call for help to make a dance benefit happen but it was to no avail. Again, my students were the ones that cared the most - sometimes recommending places. It made me so sad, but I had to give up that possibility. I, alone, could not do all that myself and stay healthy and sane at the same time.
At least I was going to this dance benefit at the Manhattan Arts Center. At least I could be a part of something that was truly amazing and a true gift being used for good. The opening of the program had a letter from Ashley Bouder which stated " the arts have given me so much: a life, happiness, and purpose. As an artist living and working in New York, it is very important to me to give back to my community and to the world we live in." She then talked about how she reached out to her community of not only dancers, but artists for help and there lied all the difference in the world.
She got the Manhattan Movement Arts Center to donate space, she had artists of all kinds to donate their time and effort to performance and auction items. She had the resources, and she put it together. It was networked and advertised well and somehow even got to someone like me! Through whatever connection he had, an old friend of mine who I never thought would be interested, randomly invited me to like this page on facebook and from then on, I had penciled in the date, bought two tickets and hoped to find someone to come with me.
My sister came and what we saw was truly breathtaking. This was no Metropolitan Theater or College or even high school stadium. It was a small intimate space but enough - and the entire center was big enough to hold all auction items and free food and drinks. umm what dance performance have you ever been to that had free wine and LUMPIA!? oh my goodness! lumpia! I was psyched before the show even started.
And then the performance began... Looking at the lineup of dancers - from Martha Graham, Ailey, Paul Taylor, Broadway stars, to ABT and New York City Ballet and even more.. it was spectacular to see. Watching the excerpt of Ailey's "Sinner Man" was heart-racing and got a standing ovation, and even watching Ashley Bouder herself in a pas de deux variation from the Nutcracker gave me chills. That moment she dropped into that back layout into her partners arms out of the pirouettes - I swear my heart stopped and my eyes teared.
One person. One person imagined this night, and her network and resources in the city realized her vision. It was special to see and made me long for the city even more. And one of the best parts of the night??? Meeting one of my idols! In a previous blog about music and dance connection I wrote:
"Yeah I have those amazing dreams where I can turn a billion times, do a billion flips and partner w/Matthew Powell or Sascha Radetesky (or just be Stella Abrera who is married to Sasha Radetsky and is a Filipina-American dancer w/ABT... One of us made it!)"
Stella Abrera did a solo and as simple as her costume and the choreography was... she was simply beautiful. I don't even follow her that much but she lives the dream I always longed for. Not only is she married and able to dance with Sasha Radetsky... the star who I had a crush on from the movie that made me the person I am today... she is Filipina.. and she's doing it! ABT since 1996?! Wow. I've seen her perform too on college trips, and she's just so beautiful... What I'd give to lead her life. I was so star struck when everyone was out at the end of the performance mingling, my sister practically forced her way into a conversation with her absolutely interrupting the one she was having. I told her all about how I admired her, we talked about our cultures and how hard it is doing what we do, and she was in complete understanding and sympathy over my situation as a Filipina dancer in America raised by parents and grandparents born in the Philippines. When she gave me a high five, and praised me for the hard work I tried to do for the typhoon relief as well... I felt completely validated.
Was that what I needed to feel good about what I was doing?? For my birthday and Christmas all I had asked for was a donation to the fun even if it was a dollar bill. The response I got was touching but so underwhelming at the same time... Did I need not only my idol, but a professional dancer from the Philippines making it in New York City to feel good about my accomplishments? On the bus ride home I always feel.. almost depleted when I watch the city disappear from my view, but a tear rolled town my cheek. If only, I had those resources. If only I had that gut and determination. If only I had that kind of support. If only I had that city...
Saturday, January 11, 2014
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!
As our fundraiser for the Philippine earthquake & typhoon victims comes to an end I would like to express my deepest and most heartfelt thanks & gratitude to everyone for their generous donations!!! To know that people in this world still care - new friends & old, family members, co-workers, students, even strangers!.. Well it truly warms my heart. All of you knew how important I felt about this cause and the overwhelming response I received means the absolute world to me. We were able to raise $1050 & send 5 balikbayan boxes to the Philippine Red Cross & Augustinian Sisters Order of Dauis Bohol. If anyone still has clothes they would like to donate we have always been sending them over to those in need even before the calamities of natural disaster. Just come & find me =). Thank you all so very much & God bless!
Much love,
Lauren.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
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