City Life Revelations - Excerpts of 2013

Last night I wrote a blog about eye-opening experiences and after looking at all my blogs I've come to realize just how pivotal this year has been. Here's a summary of excerpts that say it all:

From my 6 day getaway in the LES of NYC during Easter break 3/29/13:
Dance Life - My Life (click for full blog)

"For me, my world IS dance.  Maybe it's sad, but in the last few years of "re-finding" my lost self, I've tried to literally breathe dance to get through the heartaches of life.  So I teach, choreograph, rehearse, perform, take class, even just improv in my basement as much as I can."  

"This week I've tried to find a way to catch my breath through all of life's struggles and happenings and once again, find myself throwing my body, my heart, my soul into dance on the only 6 days from September-June that I can have to myself.  As I sit here, computer on my lap, coffee in hand, sunlight beaming through the window on the bed of a cozy little studio apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan - starstruck by the fact that this place is owned by a Paul Taylor Dance Company principal dancer described by Dance Spirit magazine as an "amazing petite powerhouse" and that right upstairs is a former Martha Graham dancer who literally just invited me to a housewarming party tomorrow - ready to fill my weekend with classes at Broadway Dance Center - I feel like I am temporarily realizing a dream I once had.  But one I no longer foresee because I know my purpose now."  

"People always say "everything happens for a reason", "there is always darkness before the dawn," "if it weren't for the pain you experienced in life, you wouldn't be the strong person you are today". 5 years ago, my dream was where I currently sit, but dreams change.  Since then, the role dance plays in my life has shifted and I know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do." 

A moment of realization during choreography block for "Out of the Silence" 6/5/13:

Strength and Self-revelation (click for full blog)

"I was a girl who felt the immense, burdening pressure from her family to be perfect.  I was a girl with concealed frustrations that weren’t supposed to be heard, but I was also a girl who was in love and thought that at least that part of her future was bright.  It was clear.  Her strength came from love.

Six years later the stakes changed.  Pain came.  Life changed.  I changed – for the better.  I am no longer that girl who knew exactly what her dreams were.  Today, I know where my life is.  I know my situation and I still fight this constant battle of expectations from not only my family but of the world.  The future remains unclear and in a way I can’t really explain, I feel like I need to prove something to the world.  I’m still searching, still wandering, still looking for my true self… and that’s okay." 

"The girl 6 yrs ago thought she had an identity and destiny linked to another’s but the woman I have become today is linked to so much more.  I stand alone and am doing my own thing for ME.  This solo, more than ever is about the Me I am today and the Me I will become tomorrow and every day after that.  The group part of the piece is part of a past story and the solo is about the present and the future – breaking and unbinding from the things holding me back NOW, letting my voice be heard, and standing up for what is me."

The beginning and end of a poem from an East Village rooftop 6/30/13:

Rooftop Reflections (NYC) (click for full blog)

She looked up into the city sky


Gloomy and so dark 


She looked down into the city life


Dropped her heavy heart

She hoped someone would catch it

Hear its beats of angst


Free her soul from sadness


Run through its lonely dance

____________________________

From this rooftop she lets it drop


To the city streets that accept it


Climbs down the fire escape to retrieve it


To fix it and finally believe in it.

Excerpts reflecting on my 45-day NYC summer getaway & a life's promise 8/5/13:

New York City - I Love You (click for full blog)

"I went to NYC to refuel, revitalize, recuperate, rejuvenate, rest, relax, soul-search, heal, contemplate, dig deep, find the real me - just be w/ME.  I've been moving so fast and throwing myself into so many things to forget and keep my mind and heart so busy that I don't have time to really "feel."  This was my chance to let it all out.  I can't tell you how refreshing it was..."

"There's a song I know about never feeling alone in this city and while I spent most of my time by myself, w/myself - physically alone... It never felt that way.  It always felt like there was life around me - like a scene from a movie where you're literally frozen in time as the world makes it's way around you and you just take it all in - content, curious, never alone."

"In many ways it feels like I left my heart in NYC.  Actually.. I did.  But then I got back, had rehearsal for a solo last night, taught my first night of summer classes, and my heart's torn in two." 

"They are my heart and soul and gave me a purpose in life at a time I felt it wasn't worth anything.  Them, that studio, the professional dancers I'm blessed to share the stage w/, that feeling - that is what gets me through.  Not saying that my current life dynamic will change but if by 32 - I'm not as fulfilled, not seeing a bigger future here... I've got to do it.  I have to take my chance and somehow, someway (without winning the lottery) - move to NYC.  I'm 27, so God has approximately 4-5 yrs to give me something more here where it will truly be enough."

"So what did I take from these past 45 days?  A lot of people try not to analyze the past or go back there because it's too painful or pointless (like I had been doing for years), but sometimes you have to go back to that place, re-feel, re-experience, then cleanse it from your soul.  There's still more to unlock from the box, but NYC was the Pandora that is the beginning of my Saving Grace.

So what did I do?  I did a lot of things.  I went back to the places in my heart that were locked away. I opened myself up to bigger and better things. I let myself heal. I found the parts of me I never knew existed. I rested. I danced. I did things for ME. I explored. I found peace. I found the calm in my mind. I found the positivity I've been lacking. I found love. I found this smile on my face that just says it all. As cliche as it sounds, I found me. I found a version of me you will want to get to know. I did everything I set out to do and more, and I know it will not be the end of my love affair with this city."

Excerpt reflecting on the beginning of Fall and end of Summer 9/7/13:
Fall is Nearing, Summer is Clearing (click for full blog)

Well, fall is nearing and summer is clearing and with that comes a close of a season, an end of a chapter, and the beginning of another story.  These moments I hold on to so dearly will become a long remembered past but they’ll stay w/me always and I’ll think of them at times when I’m reminded.. and I’ll smile in the same way I did in the city.  I’ll never forget the people, the places, the moments - the feelings.  Some I’ll see and experience again someday, some maybe not.  What’s important to realize is that I felt.  Things in life don’t last forever - even feelings - but sometimes they can in your heart, in your soul, in your inner being.. as memories that will transcend time.

Excerpt on the role of Music & Dance in my life 11/12/13:

Music and Dance are Life  (click for full blog)

When I lived in NYC this summer I was sitting at a coffee shop in the east village when I looked out the window and saw a bunch of Asians who seemed to be doing a project w/their class. They were writing things on the sidewalks with chalk. I found it so interesting i followed them all the way to union square park. My favorite one was [Music Is Life]. 

I stood there and stared at it.. Music blasting in my ears about rooftops, never feeling alone in New York City, and the ed sheeran song my student sent me saying it made her think of me (aww!). When I went to NYC this summer I was kind of on a mission - to feel free, to feel, happy, and to refuel (amongst other things). I'd literally walk around, ear phones in, dancing around the streets, silly smile on my face. I am first and foremost a dancer in life and the phrase "dance is life" has always been ingrained in my being. I'm single and live in a world where everyone's too busy to stop and just TAKE TIME (myself included). It occurred to me that music is just as important in life - if dance is life... So is music.

Excerpts from my Fall into the Winter - Final Realizations of 2013 12/31/13:

I Need a Sign (click for full blog)

"It's 3am and I've just come home from one last trip to NYC before 2013 ends.  I've been there a lot and have still been having the time of my life.  In looking back to my previous blogs, I've noticed the central trend of NYC being a place of not only happiness and freedom - but epiphanies of life.  Well this time, while I am inspired by this city's energy and artistry, it is not the root of my newly found discovery about myself.

Sometimes it takes something bad to make you see the light.  A few months ago I was in a car accident that made me really look at things.  It was a minor rear-ending, but one that could have driven me into a highway, and one that made my head hit the glass window on a weird angle, causing me to have a concussion that took months to heal.  Ever since then I feel like I've been reeling... playing catch-up... acting weird.  I want to be so grateful and thankful for all these things... all these people who have entered my life... Even as I tried to balance breaks and escapes from work and life, I still found myself drowning."

"On Christmas Eve, I was home at my parent's house for 10 minutes when I had a seizure.  It's a good thing I had doctors and nurses around me!  One second I'm walking into the dining room watching my aunt being helped off the couch and asking if her feet fell asleep... the next, I'm lying on the floor in my dad's arms being dragged to the couch with a blood pressure device wrapped around my arm, blood on my finger from a sugar level test, my cousin popping in and out of my vision, and being force fed Filipino egg rolls and rice.  How I involuntarily ate a whole plate I will never know!"

"Because of all of this I had nothing but time to sit and re-evaluate.  I haven't been the same since the accident.  The concussion slowed me down, which in turn made me feel unproductive, which then caused me to feel overwhelmed.  My life was a constant replay of the lyrics to Christina Perri's new single "Human" and Curtis People's "Afraid."

"I can turn it on, be a good machine.  I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need, be your everything... but I'm only Human.

"I'm afraid of standing in front of a crowd and letting all the people down...I'm afraid I'll have to compromise and not see my dreams come to pass."

I started to really question what I was doing with my life.  Was I truly happy?  Was I where I wanted to be?  Is it enough?  I looked back at some of my old blog posts and the answer is "yes"... but lately I see it slipping away.  I started to realize the only time I was ever truly happy all across the board was when I was in the city - and with someone...There is something about the energy, the liveliness, and the positivity that surrounds me when I'm there and with him.  I feel like it's the only place I can truly be ME - no judgement, no hating, no pressure to be perfect in SO many ways, no constant re-thinking about the decisions I made in life.  I felt free and this person was somehow able to do something no one ever has.  I don't even know how, but he got me to believe... I am where I need to be.  I am doing what I need to be doing.  My life is exactly how I want it for now.  I have to convince myself of that constantly, but never has a person in just 5 minutes do it for me."

"Without even know it, without wanting it or expecting it - I developed feelings I haven't felt in years... since 2003 to be exact... a whole decade!  I didn't even know it was happening (probably a defense mechanism).  I told myself I wasn't allowed to feel THAT because I knew it would only end in pain because he could never feel the same.  It took a seizure to realize this!

...Like my concussion, that seizure really made me look at a larger picture and be grateful.. just want to say thank you to those who have unknowingly helped me and how it really meant something to me.  Sometimes I think people get freaked out and take it the wrong way when I am super nice and just trying to show how grateful I am for what they've done for me.  With social media and texting being the source of all communication it's so hard not to come off as needy, insecure, obsessed, and probably psycho... I wish all the words coming from my heart could be said face to face - in the same room - in a moment of physical personal exchange - not with seemingly insincere words on a phone or computer screen.  In this day and age though... sometimes you have no choice but to put yourself out there in whatever way possible - no matter how the other person may react."

"In a year, where I was overwhelmed with hospital visits, choreography, performances, car accidents, seizures and flooded basements, I went through a lot and am coming out "still alive"...I confronted the demons of the past...I opened myself up in ways I hadn't in years and I felt... really FELT...in many ways it's been year of milestones.  I'm finally back on my feet and ready to take on the world - take back my life.

But in realizing this I also became overwhelmed.  My friends tell me I look like I'm falling apart, that they wish they could fit me in their suitcase and take me with them wherever they're going, that I need to move and make the change now or I never will and I'll remain stagnant.. but that is so much easier said than done.  With the year ending, I'm proud of the monumental moments and experiences, but I'm also back to square one and am lost.  But I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I just have to... so all day I've been searching, watching, waiting for that sign.  I need a sign..."  

I Need a Sign

All day I've been hearing this lyric in my head and I can't even remember the rest of the lyrics or who even sang it!  "I need a sign..." and then it melds into an old-school Robyn song I danced to once at Broadway Dance Center and re-discovered when I met someone.

"It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain.  As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain... Now you're gone it's like an echo in my head and I remember every word you said... You never were and you never will be mine."

It's 3am and I've just come home from one last trip to NYC before 2013 ends.  I've been there a lot and have still been having the time of my life.  In looking back to my previous blogs, I've noticed the central trend of NYC being a place of not only happiness and freedom - but epiphanies of life.  Well this time, while I am inspired by this city's energy and artistry, it is not the root of my newly found discovery about myself.

Sometimes it takes something bad to make you see the light.  A few months ago I was in a car accident that made me really look at things.  It was a minor rear-ending, but one that could have driven me into a highway, and one that made my head hit the glass window on a weird angle, causing me to have a concussion that took months to heal.  Ever since then I feel like I've been reeling... playing catch-up... acting weird.  I want to be so grateful and thankful for all these things... all these people who have entered my life.  (Hope it didn't freak them out...!)  Even as I tried to balance breaks and escapes from work and life, I still found myself drowning.  After the earthquake and typhoon hit the Philippines, I put so much more on my plate because my heart wanted to cry out to the victims and their families.  For a while I've just been feeling heavy-hearted... unhappy with my surroundings.

On Christmas Eve, I was home at my parent's house for 10 minutes when I had a seizure.  It's a good thing I had doctors and nurses around me!  One second I'm walking into the dining room watching my aunt being helped off the couch and asking if her feet fell asleep... the next, I'm lying on the floor in my dad's arms being dragged to the couch with a blood pressure device wrapped around my arm, blood on my finger from a sugar level test (?), my cousin popping in and out of my vision, and being force fed Filipino egg rolls and rice.  How I involuntarily ate a whole plate I will never know!

While I'm seeing a neurologist, we're pretty sure it was stress-induced.  It scared everyone, and it most certainly scared the crap out of me.  I have no recollection of those 5 minutes I was out of it convulsing, eyes rolled to the back of my head, making weird noises as if I were being exorcised.  I know my cousin was really afraid as he likened my seizure to the sound of one of the aliens from the movie "Mars Attack" (throwback!) and did a lovely rendition of what I looked like...

I stayed in bed for days until I felt "right" again.  Last night was my first day back to my house by myself.  Because of all of this I had nothing but time to sit and re-evaluate.  I haven't been the same since the accident.  The concussion slowed me down, which in turn made me feel unproductive, which then caused me to feel overwhelmed.  My life was a constant replay of the lyrics to Christina Perri's new single "Human" and Curtis People's "Afraid."

"I can turn it on, be a good machine.  I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need, be your everything... but I'm only Human.

"I'm afraid of standing in front of a crowd and letting all the people down...I'm afraid I'll have to compromise and not see my dreams come to pass."

I started to really question what I was doing with my life.  Was I truly happy?  Was I where I wanted to be?  Is it enough?  I looked back at some of my old blog posts and the answer is "yes"... but lately I see it slipping away.  I started to realize the only time I was ever truly happy all across the board was when I was in the city - and with someone.  With the concussion it's been hard to dance for myself, so I spent a little time with someone I had met by chance in Philly.  The difference in the city and with him vs. my life here is the energy.  There is something about the energy, the liveliness, and the positivity that surrounds me when I'm there and with him.  I feel like it's the only place I can truly be ME - no judgement, no hating, no pressure to be perfect in SO many ways, no constant re-thinking about the decisions I made in life.  I felt free and this person was somehow able to do something no one ever has.  I don't even know how, but he got me to believe... I am where I need to be.  I am doing what I need to be doing.  My life is exactly how I want it for now.  I've had to tell myself and convince myself of that, but never has a person in just 5 minutes do it for me.

Realizing all this has opened my eyes and made me think hard.  Without even know it, without wanting it or expecting it - I developed feelings I haven't felt in years... since 2003 to be exact... a whole decade!  I didn't even know it was happening (probably a defense mechanism).  I told myself I wasn't allowed to feel THAT because I knew it would only end in pain.  It took a seizure to realize this!

These feelings are here.  Like my concussion, that seizure really made me look at a larger picture and be grateful.. just want to say thank you to those who have unknowingly helped me and how it really meant something to me.  Sometimes I think people get freaked out and take it the wrong way when I am super nice and just trying to show how grateful I am for what they've done for me.  With social media and texting being the source of all communication it's so hard not to come off as needy, insecure, obsessed, and probably psycho... I wish all the words coming from my heart could be said face to face - in the same room - in a moment of physical personal exchange - not with seemingly insincere words on a phone or computer screen.  In this day and age though... sometimes you have no choice but to put yourself out there in whatever way possible - no matter how people may react.

In a year, where I was overwhelmed with hospital visits, choreography, performances, car accidents, seizures and flooded basements, I went through a lot and am coming out "still alive" (another CP reference).  I confronted the demons of the past.  I took Philly, DC, Maryland, Pittsburgh, NYC getaways - the summer obviously being memorable.. and even these past few times like my birthday.  I opened myself up in ways I hadn't in years and I felt... really FELT.  I'm letting myself admit I have these feelings and though I may not be able to act upon them (hence the Robyn song replaying in my head?) in so in many ways it's been year of milestones.  I'm finally back on my feet and ready to take on the world - take back my life.

But in realizing this I also became overwhelmed.  My friends tell me I look like I'm falling apart, that they wish they could fit me in their suitcase and take me with them wherever they're going, that I need to move and make the change now or I never will and I'll remain stagnant.. but that is so much easier said than done.  With the year ending, I'm proud of the monumental moments and experiences, but I'm also back to square one and am lost.  But I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I just have to... so all day I've been searching, watching, waiting for that sign.  I need a sign...

Christina Perri "Human" Dance Improv

The improv version that is so popular.

Music and Dance are Life (Re-blog from coexistdance.blogspot.com)

Ever believe in intense dream analysis? Yeah I have those amazing dreams where I can turn a billion times, do a billion flips and partner w/Matthew Powell or Sascha Radetesky (or just be Stella Abrera who is married to Sasha Radetesky and is a Filipina-American principal dancer w/ABT... One of us made it!). However I never really weighed in on them too heavily like the deep meanings of forgetting your shoes, being chased by dinosaurs, or having your teeth fall out... However, occasionally I get these dreams where something profound happens - like I fall off my couch and into my glass coffee table because in my dream I was jumping out of a car to escape a bad situation.  That's an extreme example...

Luckily for me I also dream movement and choreography and if I'm able to wake I will get up and start recreating it or at least writing it down.  I always have a pen and paper on my bedside for when these things randomly happen. Words also come out that mean something to me and sometimes I can never forget them. 

About a month or so ago I dreamt the words in the picture above. I know where some of it came from. When I lived in NYC this summer I was sitting at a coffee shop in the east village when I looked out the window and saw a bunch of Asians who seemed to be doing a project w/their class. They were writing things on the sidewalks with chalk. I found it so interesting i followed them all the way to union square park. My favorite one was: 

I stood there and stared at it.. Music blasting in my ears about rooftops, never feeling alone in New York City, and the ed sheeran song my student sent me saying it made her think of me (aww!) When I went to NYC this summer I was kind of on a mission - to feel free, to feel, happy, and to refuel (amongst other things). I'd literally walk around, ear phones in, dancing around the streets, silly smile on my face. I am first and foremost a dancer in life and the phrase "dance is life" has always been ingrained in my being. I'm single and live in a world where everyone's too busy to stop and just TAKE TIME (myself included). It occurred to me that music is just as important in life - if dance is life... So is music.  (Read my next blog on the importance of the dance-music connection!)

 (Re-post from coexistdance.blogspot.com)

Dance Tribute - Pray For the Philippines - "I Bet You Don't Curse God" C...

Pray for the Philippines!

Strong Foundations

Once upon a time a man from China sailed to the Philippines. He fell in love with a Chinese-Filipina and built her a house where they could raise their children and their children’s children and so forth. A deadly earthquake devastated Bohol last night causing damage to many historic buildings and houses, but that house still stands. That house is the ancestral house of the Lim clan - the house my mother grew up in, the house my great-great grandfather built for his heart. Sometimes even natural disasters can’t bring down the foundations built from love and the promise of a future.

Kevin Bacon's Sister

GUESS WHAT?! Had a photo shoot w/Matthew Wright yesterday who informed me this picture he took of me 5 yrs ago currently resides in the home of Kevin Bacon's sister.. Because she bought it... Just thought I'd share... 😍

"Almost Lover" Solo

The very first video up on my YouTube channel!

Fall is nearing, Summer is clearing

I’m sitting out on my newly-done patio that I happened to come home to one day.. (yeah my family’s still doing that.)  All the grass is gone and replaced w/pebbles, plants, and a stone pathway leading to… the end of my property and into my neighborhoods shared backyards…nice.  It’s actually quite beautiful and I wish I could spend more summer nights here… but the season’s ending and a new one’s beginning.

There’s a fresh breeze blowing my hair out my face and letting the sunlight graze my eyelashes.  The temperature is perfect.  I’m wearing a cute summer dress w/a light sweater hanging on the back of my chair for when the sun moves and gives way to the chills of the shadows. I can see the wind through the pink plants I told my family I didn’t want, through the flow of my purple curtains behind the screen door leading into my house.  I can hear it in my neighbor’s outdoor decor, chiming over my latest musical obsession my friend introduced me to that takes me back to the best times of my life.  I smell Christmas as the aroma my winter candle (given to me by a student last year and taken out during a power outage a few nights ago), rises through the new red lantern I bought on sale from Target.  It pervades my senses.  The sky is richly blue and the clouds are patterned in swirls that almost make you dizzy if you stare at it long enough.

The beaming rays remind me of these past summer days walking in the city, stopped at an intersection watching the lights and waiting to cross - that moment when I gaze up to the sky and I close my eyes for just a second of time, taking a deep inhale then letting out a soft breath as my face lights up and forms a smile.  I open my eyes, the soft smile still shining, then look forward and keep walking.  Sometimes there is another’s hand in mine and I look over my shoulder into their vision not saying a word… but knowing those piercing eyes glance back at me with an unspoken understanding of what I’m feeling at that small, seemingly insignificant city moment.

There are so many moments, so many things I’ve gotten to experience and learn from this summer that I can write about in such detail.  My friend recently asked me how I remember so many things so clearly and I told her it was because they were probably very memorable for me so they stay with me for as long as I want it to.

Well, fall is nearing and summer is clearing and with that comes a close of a season, an end of a chapter, and the beginning of another story.  These moments I hold on to so dearly will become a long remembered past but they’ll stay w/me always and I’ll think of them at times when I’m reminded.. and I’ll smile in the same way I did in the city.  I’ll never forget the people, the places, the moments - the feelings.  Some I’ll see and experience again someday, some maybe not.  What’s important to realize is that I felt.  Things in life don’t last forever - even feelings - but sometimes they can in your heart, in your soul, in your inner being.. as memories that will transcend time.

NYC Summer 2013

Friends!

Friends!

Friendship

I am that 1 out of 5 that actually truly and whole-heartedly means it when I ask you.. And perhaps all the people I encounter I truly wouldn’t mind seeing again. I mean.. coffee’s awesome! Why not? haha

The heart of today’s blog entry comes down to friendship and the things I’ve learned about it lately.

"I learned a lot about love when it left me. I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone."

It is true that you really learn who your true friends are when you are at your lowest point. When I needed one the most I had a dilemma. My best friend of 12 years left me and was the reason I needed one. My only sister was an ocean away in Europe and most of my friends were still away at school or all over the country - all over the world really. The ones that were close… Well we’ll just say, I learned.. and it hurt. 

Herein lies my problem in having too many expectations of people I considered “close friends” - people I’d be there for in a heartbeat - people I WAS there for in the past when I had a lot going on too. I get it. Life is busy. Priorities are made. Things, people get sacrificed. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t one of those people who got caught up in “life.”

It has been no secret that life has been particularly harder for me the past few years as I transition into this new life and basically starting all over again. It had been particularly harder since this past winter because of all the health issues and emergencies going on in my family that I had never had to deal w/before. I taught myself to live in this certain way, plugging along, 1/2 alive, but functioning and thrown into so much that there was really no time to deal w/emotions, and I’m pretty sure I subconsciously did that to myself on purpose. Before the dance recital I found it so hard to pick myself up sometimes. I tried so hard to hang on to positive things, however small. I was dancing more than ever and couldn’t be happier about it but at that point absolutely everything felt like it was bringing me down. At the same time, all these feelings of helplessness, all those late nights at the hospital w/whichever family member was in ICU or admitted to a room - started to bring up ghosts of the past that I just never properly dealt w/. I felt like I was drowning. People could see I was a ticking time bomb and I had a plan for some much needed R & R (NYC) after the studio’s recital, but would I be able to hold on until then?

It was at this point where I truly knew the importance of friendships and the people who care. No one really knows the entire truth of what a person's been through in the past. Some may know most - but not all. That doesn’t really matter though. It was clear I needed lifting up and there were little things that got me through and people who probably don’t even know the impact they made. 

Emergency international skypes, a random phone call, texts checking up on me, surprise visits, a song, a dance, an improv, stepping into the studio, stepping on stage, precious moments w/those you inspire - those who inspire you back - stolen moments in the dead of night, a beautiful voice, a gentle touch, being held and finally (for the first time in years) feeling content and safe in someone’s arms, fingers intertwining, falling asleep w/a smile on your face after looking deep into someone’s eyes, breakfast and coffee in bed, walking through the city hand in hand, dancing in a club not caring how you look, rooftops, stars, moonlight wishes, driving golf balls, catching yankee games at a bar, text updates when you’re at work, “i miss yous,” “i love yous,” laughing so hard it hurts, smiling so much people ask what you’re so happy about.

So many things, so many people in my life who made a difference w/out even knowing. I was probably the most lost I ever was but these little things, these people kept me just off the verge. Now that I am happy, that I am re-fueled and revitalized from my 45 day getaway in the city, I still deal w/the past. They say the most painful experiences sneak up on you when you are your happiest and that which you hide and lock away will have to be released and dealt w/or it will be there always - forever haunting you. I’ve been letting myself finally FEEL these things after all these years and you would think I’d revert back to the way I was before I left for the city… but I’m not. I have a different outlook, a refreshed mind, a mending heart, a face that lights up, eyes that smile… I’m in a positive place, a sunny place, a better place.

I have the city atmosphere to thank for that. I have the time I was able to be w/ME to thank for that, but I also have my friends to thank for that. When I was at a point where only negative things filled my mind, they helped me expel them. There were all these forces of positivity that surrounded me that I never took notice of until now.

As I look at my calendar, a few weeks before going back to the studio, back to the office, back to rehearsals and performances - back to LIFE - I find myself scrambling to make the time to reconnect w/or continue connecting w/all these people. Some of my friends who are closer will be leaving again, some I am further away from now that I’m home, and some I will be seeing more of w/things picking up again. But some I’m starting learn may have meant more to me than I did to them. No matter how busy life gets, if you really want to - you can find the time. It’s hard… trying to find that balance, knowing when to just let it be. Certain people will always mean something to me but I need to learn not to have those expectations that it’s the same for them. It hurts a little, but life goes on and you have to remember there are those who WILL make time for you.

Still, sometimes I get oh-so-tired of caring too much and putting forth the effort. At least I put myself out there, but sometimes I feel like an idiot, never knowing when to just give up because I’m making a fool out of myself. But in the end, especially if you’re someone special to me, I’m not the one missing out. I am at a time where I feel like I am my best me, my best self. I know who I am and what I bring to the table. So people can become a chapter of the book instead of a constant throughout the story. The door will always be open and I’ll even hold the door for them if they want to walk away. All I can really do is wait and see if they ever come knocking again. But the ones who remain? The ones who are still on my side of the door? They are one of the biggest reasons I am the way I am today and I am forever thankful.

First video to reach past 2000 views!

And it's 12.5 minutes of #dance !!! Thanks for watching everyone =)

Adele Choreography Mash-Up (with "Skyfall")!! (by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyxlGRzB6Ao&feature=share">Lauren Sion</a>)

"Cry For You" Contemporary Combo

This song and dance make me feel so good i had to keep doing it for myself at home after teaching it. Love this guy's stuff!

New York City - I Love You

So most of you know I've been away in New York City for 45 days this summer.  I got back around 5am Sunday morning, and I know all of you will be asking to hear all about it.  It was, of course, absolutely and utterly amazing (as expected).  Most of you know I'm a city girl at heart and if I had done things differently I'd be living in one, but Life's circumstances kept me where I am today.  Everyone tells me I should just move there already, but we all know I have another love here that I can't leave.

People I've seen all over have asked me what I've been doing in the city and I tell them, "Nothing. Literally."  I went to NYC to do several things - none of which involved the normal touristy, city adventures people think of.  I went to NYC to refuel, revitalize, recuperate, rejuvenate, rest, relax, soul-search, heal, contemplate, dig deep, find the real me - just be w/ME.  I've been moving so fast and throwing myself into so many things to forget and keep my mind and heart so busy that I don't have time to really "feel."  This was my chance to let it all out.  I can't tell you how refreshing it was to not have to set an alarm clock or not have to worry about planning my entire day out to the hour!

That being said, of course I didn't just sit in my apartment for 45 days.  I really just wanted to take the city in the way I wanted to.  My first 11 days were in the East Village, an area I am very familiar w/when my sister lived there for a year or so.  St. Marks was a block away and a lot of my favorite places like 7A were just around the corner.  The whole month of July I was back to the Lower East Side where I had stayed back in April and where my sister lived for 2 years as well.  The East Village apartment was bigger but I'm in love w/this comfy studio owned by a professional dancer like myself (but on a much bigger scale haha!), so it has dance in its soul and it feels just right.

Minus the one week heat wave of triple digits where I literally melted in the subway system and at Broadway Dance Center where I was easily banging out quad+ turns because of how everyone's sweat pooled together on the floor, the weather was actually pretty nice.  Feeling on fire escapes, reflecting on rooftops, sitting in the park, at cafes, walking around, people-watching, catching the city breeze - that's pretty much what I did most of the time.  There were times I just stayed in the apartment entire days watching netflix, catching up on TV shows, and eating whatever I wanted.  I really wanted the experience of just LIVING in NYC.  45 days is a long time.  I was so comfortable there - taking the subway, going to my favorite grocery market, cafe, and park, taking class at BDC.  I had my own set routine and I blended in.  People constantly asked me for directions, and I'm not going to lie, my heart felt really giddy when I actually knew what to tell them - which was every time! =)

Of course, I did live up the city a little more at times as well.  Friends from home came in - taking class w/me, going out w/me, just being w/me.  I re-connected w/old friends and flames from the past.  I went to the All-Star Benefit for Sandy at Central Park and saw the Joe Torre, the Philharmonic, and MARIAH CAREY!  Before you ask, I did see my sister a little.  She was there a lot during the beginning when I first got there - especially because it was so hot where she just moved to in Brooklyn so she stayed w/me at times.  I chilled at a Brooklyn waterfront, had brunch for a friend's birthday, and just hung out at places and did some light work and taking care of emails while she continued her job search.  After that I didn't see or talk to her at all.  It's actually been about a month.

After I stopped seeing her I basically went back to the normal routine.  I did meet a lot of really cool people towards the back end of my stay and couldn't have had a better time.  I owe my friends a great deal.  I don't think I've felt that alive and free-spirited in so long.  It felt like I didn't have a care in the world and it was nice to just get out there, enjoy the nighttime city life, and just chill.  Highline, dancing and chilling on rooftops, golf ranges, hanging out and catching Yankee games at bars... it was all so amazing.  I continued to take classes w/my favorites at BDC, went to Koreatown, shopped in midtown and Soho, walked through Chinatown, partied in West Village, Chelsea, and Lower East Side, ate some amaaazing food.  I caught Pilobolus which is an annual thing for me and I was utterly mesmerized as always.  I swear I must have had the biggest smile on my face as I walked around the city or sat on the subway, earphones in, listening to my favorite city music.

There's a song I know about never feeling alone in this city and while I spent most of my time by myself, w/myself - physically alone... It never felt that way.  It always felt like there was life around me - like a scene from a movie where you're literally frozen in time as the world makes it's way around you and you just take it all in - content, curious, never alone.

I left the city a few times for a friend's wedding, an old college teacher's master class, and rehearsals of course, but once I came back - it always felt like home.  On my last drive down the turnpike from rehearsal rushing to catch the last bus back to NYC I thought long and hard and made a pretty big promise to myself.  In all honestly, I feel like there's nothing for me here in the Lehigh Valley - besides my job - and that is a huge huge reason.  It is the main reason actually.  My family and all the companies I dance w/are a big part of me, but making a move out of the Lehigh Valley wouldn't deter me from seeing my family and dancing w/them as much as not seeing and working w/all my students would be.  They are my heart and soul and gave me a purpose in life at a time I felt it wasn't worth anything.  Them, that studio, the professional dancers I'm blessed to share the stage w/, that feeling - that is what gets me through.  Not saying that my current life dynamic will change but if by 32 - I'm not as fulfilled, not seeing a bigger future here... I've got to do it.  I have to take my chance and somehow, someway (without winning the lottery) - move to NYC.  I'm 27, so God has approximately 4-5 yrs to give me something more here where it will truly be enough.

In many ways it feels like I left my heart in NYC.  Actually.. I did.  But then I got back, had rehearsal for a solo last night, taught my first night of summer classes, and my heart's torn in two.  For now though, my love in the Lehigh Valley wins.  Besides, I will be going back to NYC as soon as Friday and have so many more friends living there and a few more moving there next month!  Still not the same since I don't have a place to stay.. but at least I will have that feeling again when the city skyline appears on my way in.

So what did I take from these past 45 days?  A lot of people try not to analyze the past or go back there because it's too painful or pointless (like I had been doing for years), but sometimes you have to go back to that place, re-feel, re-experience, then cleanse it from your soul.  There's still more to unlock from the box, but NYC was the Pandora that is the beginning of my Saving Grace.

So what did I do?  I did a lot of things.  I went back to the places in my heart that were locked away. I opened myself up to bigger and better things. I let myself heal. I found the parts of me I never knew existed. I rested. I danced. I did things for ME. I explored. I found peace. I found the calm in my mind. I found the positivity I've been lacking. I found love. I found this smile on my face that just says it all. As cliche as it sounds, I found me. I found a version of me you will want to get to know. I did everything I set out to do and more and I know it will not be the end of my love affair with this city.

So who wants to chill Friday when i return and i'm done w/class??? Haha

Rooftop Reflections

She looked up into the city sky


Gloomy and so dark 


She looked down into the city life


Dropped her heavy heart

She hoped someone would catch it

Hear its beats of angst


Free her soul from sadness


Run through its lonely dance

One last time she took it all in


Thinking of the past


But which one was she dwelling upon?


Forever ago or the last?

They all start to blend


All these versions of herself


The new ones and the old 


The different stories they all tell

A look up to the cloudy heaven 


Another deep below


One glare all around her


At the city lights that glow

Tomorrow she will go


Really push reset


Start a new beginning

Remember but forget

Remember the happiness

The innocence that was lost


Forget the painful memories


The consequences the cost

The cost of love was high

She paid it full in price


She didn’t think she’d sink the first time


But for the last she took the dive

Plunged into knowing


Her fragile heart could break


But remember it was broken to begin with


But it still needed to awake




Wake up and smell the beauty


Feel all he has to give

All he has to offer


Remind her how to live

To live is what she came for


Reflect, heal, and discover


The lonely her that suffers


W/out the scars that linger

Without him she will find


The true person she could be

Her value and her worth


How to finally break free

Free from his grip, 
His relentless hold


Cut the string she dangles from


The chains been broken, it’s time.

Time to move, Time to prove


She’ll make it out just fine


She’ll come out victorious


Do what it takes to survive

So say goodbye


Make it count this time


It was fun while it lasted 


But take a look and cry

Cry that last tear over it


Over all the lies and games


July is nearing, June is clearing


Look past all the pain

It’s over and she knows it


One last glance at the view


Remembers exactly 3 yrs ago


The same thing she set out to do

Heal those scars

Collect them in a jar


That jar of heart and feelings


Icy soul torn apart

The Lonely will remain


Always present in her life


But speak up, speak out and fight


And Out of the silence she will arrive

A new dawn, a new day,

A new month, a new beginning


A new place, a new heart


A new her she’s bent on finding

Find the good 
in all these goodbyes


In all these tears 
streaming from her eyes

Take one last look


Below and up above


Breathe in the view


Of the city she so loves

One last thought


One last reflection


One last moment


For this rooftop’s confession:

The city lights that see her

The city sounds that scream


The city that never sleeps

The city of hopes and dreams…

Will never leave her alone


It’s there for the taking


But the days she’ll still feel sorrow


Are hers for the making 

She loved him and she cries


Confronts all those inner demons


She’ll battle them forever


Fight for blissful freedom

But it’s harder than she thinks


Doesn’t let all the people know


How much it aches and bleeds


How much further she has to go.

From this rooftop she lets it drop


To the city streets that accept it


Climbs down the fire escape to retrieve it


To fix it and finally believe in it.

Fire Escape Feelings

Watching the skyline grow dark 

As the city lights grow bright

Listening to the street sounds below

Catching its life ignite

The summer breeze

Blowing in my face

Such a beautiful place…

I could sit here dreaming

All night and all day

Strength and Self-Revelation

I'm not sure how much of this is going to make sense as it's 3:00am, but sometimes that's when the clearest thoughts come through.  (Apologizing in advance for the book!)

“All good work requires self-revelation.” – Sidney Lumet

For a while now, I’ve been wracking my brain over how to get this solo done.  Free-writing, dance improvs, different tools you learned in dance comp – but I've been coming up empty.  Today, while I was scrolling through pictures for my summer workshop brochure I came across a picture from one of coEXIST’s pieces “Forgive Me,” and all of a sudden I remembered something that our director and choreographer, Kathleen, had said when we were learning this dance.  She was re-staging a personal story on different dancers but it wasn’t going to be completely the same because “she is a different person today than she was back then.”  All of a sudden I knew what to do.  

This solo is one that I had always wanted to add on to my senior piece in college.  My piece “Out of the Silence” was about my life up until that point.  At the heart of the dance is the subdued voice that’s crying to be heard.  The music is from the “Memoirs of a Geisha” soundtrack, so it naturally had a lot of Asian themes to it.  For the most part, I made the piece about the opposing forces in my mind and in my life – the ones that cry out to be heard and the ones that are perfectly content in this “delicate, soft-spoken, respect your elders, mind over heart” value of the Asian culture.  6 girls begin movement in a circle and in silence until Yo-Yo Ma’s beautiful cello comes in – music he described as the voice of the movie’s main character.  At the time, I was a girl who felt the immense, burdening pressure from her family to be perfect.  I was a girl with concealed frustrations that weren’t supposed to be heard, but I was also a girl who was in love and thought that at least that part of her future was bright.  It was clear.  Her strength came from love.

Six years later the stakes changed.  Pain came.  Life changed.  I changed – for the better.  I am no longer that girl who knew exactly what her dreams were.  Today, I know where my life is.  I know my situation and  I still fight this constant battle of expectations from not only my family but of the world.   The future remains unclear and in a way I can’t really explain, I feel like I need to prove something to the world.  I’m still searching, still wandering, still looking for my true self… and that’s okay. 

Perhaps that is why I’m having so much trouble getting the movement out of me for this solo.  I chose 6 of my advanced girls at the studio I teach and am attempting to re-stage “Out of the Silence,” adding my solo at the end of it and also inserting myself into the group part.  “Out of the Silence” is about cultural identity, speaking up for myself and for my passion in life.  While I still struggle with those same themes, it’s linked to something else.  The girl 6 yrs ago thought she had an identity and destiny linked to another’s but the woman I have become today is linked to so much more.  I stand alone and am doing my own thing for ME.  This solo, more than ever is about the Me I am today and the Me I will become tomorrow and every day after that.  The group part of the piece is part of a past story and the solo is about the present and the future – breaking and unbinding from the things holding me back NOW, letting my voice be heard, and standing up for what is me.  

Kathleen’s words that day had always resonated with me so I went back and dug through my past to where the piece really came from and how it relates to “now.”  In 2001 there was an inspirational book called “Yell-Oh Girls” that was published and it was eye-opening for my middle school self.  In this book, “Asian American girls, speak up and speak out.  They speak for themselves, to each other, and to the world…new voices are heard and new stories become part of our greater American story.”  I looked back at all the passages and sentences I underlined that helped me with “Out of the Silence.” I remember reading one in particular to my cast in college before they performed it for the first time on stage back then, and as I read it again now, I think of coEXISTdance.

“May we look inward to find the truth…May we give words to that which is not yet spoken.  My strength, is your strength, is ours.”

When I think about CoEXISTdance, the word community comes to mind - how we give, how we support, how we stand for a cause.  Not only are we about giving towards the community, we have also built one of our own within the 8 of us.  We dance, we laugh, we share, we create, we support, and through it all we draw strength from each other – my strength, their strength, our strength.  Because of this, the self-revelation has come and the movements and feelings are finally flowing and I am thankful. =)

*Lauren Sion

Dance Life - My Life

“My world is full of dance floors, inspiring music, and speechless audiences. I love my dance life #dancesaveslives”

I've always loved dance quotes and this one in particular caught my attention.  It wasn't the typical Graham, Pavlova, Nureyev, Fosse, Duncan quotes I keep seeing all over social media, but from an organization that randomly started following me on twitter one day: "Dance Saves Lives" - an organization dedicated to teaching dance to orphanages in third world countries.  Reading this, I can't help but think of my life, coEXISTdance, and the wonderful things that are happening.

It's completely true.  For me, my world IS dance.  Maybe it's sad, but in the last few years of "re-finding" my lost self, I've tried to literally breathe dance to get through the heartaches of life.  So I teach, choreograph, rehearse, perform, take class, even just improv in my basement as much as I can.  

"Dance floors"?  Since the beginning of the year, in a given week I could have been in 8 different studios rehearsing, teaching, or just dancing for myself.  

"Inspiring Music"? I'm constantly moved by music that inspires me that all I want to do is dance to it, feel it, and share it.  

"Speechless Audiences"? Like most dancers, I thrive on the high of performing on a stage and giving out to the audience what is inside of me.  Numerous times, I've been complimented on my latest solo "The Lonely," (set to Christina Perri's song) about how "the lonely" is ok, how dance has filled my heart and taken up the other half of my life that had been ripped away . "Emotional, inspiring, sad but uplifting, graceful, technically strong, made me cry" people would say.   Recently, however, I performed it to an instrumental cello cover of the song wanting a reaction to the purity of the movement without the lyrics and it was met with generous praise.  It isn't the fact that people are saying all these wonderful things about your work, but the fact that your movement and your passion is recognized as coming from a real and honest place - that the audience, whoever they may be, can relate, share, and experience what you're trying to say with your movement as if they were right there on that stage with you.  To know that is a truly fulfilling feeling.  You feel your passion, know your purpose, and hope it makes a difference - even for just one person, it's enough.

This week I've tried to find a way to catch my breath through all of life's struggles and happenings and once again, find myself throwing my body, my heart, my soul into dance on the only 6 days from September-June that I can have to myself.  As I sit here, computer on my lap, coffee in hand, sunlight beaming through the window on the bed of a cozy little studio apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan - starstruck by the fact that this place is owned by a Paul Taylor Dance Company principal dancer described by Dance Spirit magazine as an "amazing petite powerhouse" and that right upstairs is a former Martha Graham dancer who literally just invited me to a housewarming party tomorrow - ready to fill my weekend with classes at Broadway Dance Center - I feel like I am temporarily realizing a dream I once had.  But one I no longer foresee because I know my purpose now.  

People always say "everything happens for a reason", "there is always darkness before the dawn," "if it weren't for the pain you experienced in life, you wouldn't be the strong person you are today". 5 years ago, my dream was where I currently sit, but dreams change.  Since then, the role dance plays in my life has shifted and I know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do. 

One of the many reasons I love coEXISTdance is the fact that we strive to give back to the community through dance.  Our mission statement that "dance exists for everyone" is thought-provoking.  The work we've done at CHOP, Relay for Life, Aid For Friends, and our upcoming outreach summer program C.O.R.E is inspiring.  You don't have to be a professional dancer to be touched by dance.  It's everywhere, within everyone, a way of life.  It saved mine.  

"Dance exists for everyone."

"Dance Saves Lives."

So "dance life"?  Yes, I love mine. 

*Lauren Sion