Friendship

I am that 1 out of 5 that actually truly and whole-heartedly means it when I ask you.. And perhaps all the people I encounter I truly wouldn’t mind seeing again. I mean.. coffee’s awesome! Why not? haha

The heart of today’s blog entry comes down to friendship and the things I’ve learned about it lately.

"I learned a lot about love when it left me. I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone."

It is true that you really learn who your true friends are when you are at your lowest point. When I needed one the most I had a dilemma. My best friend of 12 years left me and was the reason I needed one. My only sister was an ocean away in Europe and most of my friends were still away at school or all over the country - all over the world really. The ones that were close… Well we’ll just say, I learned.. and it hurt. 

Herein lies my problem in having too many expectations of people I considered “close friends” - people I’d be there for in a heartbeat - people I WAS there for in the past when I had a lot going on too. I get it. Life is busy. Priorities are made. Things, people get sacrificed. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t one of those people who got caught up in “life.”

It has been no secret that life has been particularly harder for me the past few years as I transition into this new life and basically starting all over again. It had been particularly harder since this past winter because of all the health issues and emergencies going on in my family that I had never had to deal w/before. I taught myself to live in this certain way, plugging along, 1/2 alive, but functioning and thrown into so much that there was really no time to deal w/emotions, and I’m pretty sure I subconsciously did that to myself on purpose. Before the dance recital I found it so hard to pick myself up sometimes. I tried so hard to hang on to positive things, however small. I was dancing more than ever and couldn’t be happier about it but at that point absolutely everything felt like it was bringing me down. At the same time, all these feelings of helplessness, all those late nights at the hospital w/whichever family member was in ICU or admitted to a room - started to bring up ghosts of the past that I just never properly dealt w/. I felt like I was drowning. People could see I was a ticking time bomb and I had a plan for some much needed R & R (NYC) after the studio’s recital, but would I be able to hold on until then?

It was at this point where I truly knew the importance of friendships and the people who care. No one really knows the entire truth of what a person's been through in the past. Some may know most - but not all. That doesn’t really matter though. It was clear I needed lifting up and there were little things that got me through and people who probably don’t even know the impact they made. 

Emergency international skypes, a random phone call, texts checking up on me, surprise visits, a song, a dance, an improv, stepping into the studio, stepping on stage, precious moments w/those you inspire - those who inspire you back - stolen moments in the dead of night, a beautiful voice, a gentle touch, being held and finally (for the first time in years) feeling content and safe in someone’s arms, fingers intertwining, falling asleep w/a smile on your face after looking deep into someone’s eyes, breakfast and coffee in bed, walking through the city hand in hand, dancing in a club not caring how you look, rooftops, stars, moonlight wishes, driving golf balls, catching yankee games at a bar, text updates when you’re at work, “i miss yous,” “i love yous,” laughing so hard it hurts, smiling so much people ask what you’re so happy about.

So many things, so many people in my life who made a difference w/out even knowing. I was probably the most lost I ever was but these little things, these people kept me just off the verge. Now that I am happy, that I am re-fueled and revitalized from my 45 day getaway in the city, I still deal w/the past. They say the most painful experiences sneak up on you when you are your happiest and that which you hide and lock away will have to be released and dealt w/or it will be there always - forever haunting you. I’ve been letting myself finally FEEL these things after all these years and you would think I’d revert back to the way I was before I left for the city… but I’m not. I have a different outlook, a refreshed mind, a mending heart, a face that lights up, eyes that smile… I’m in a positive place, a sunny place, a better place.

I have the city atmosphere to thank for that. I have the time I was able to be w/ME to thank for that, but I also have my friends to thank for that. When I was at a point where only negative things filled my mind, they helped me expel them. There were all these forces of positivity that surrounded me that I never took notice of until now.

As I look at my calendar, a few weeks before going back to the studio, back to the office, back to rehearsals and performances - back to LIFE - I find myself scrambling to make the time to reconnect w/or continue connecting w/all these people. Some of my friends who are closer will be leaving again, some I am further away from now that I’m home, and some I will be seeing more of w/things picking up again. But some I’m starting learn may have meant more to me than I did to them. No matter how busy life gets, if you really want to - you can find the time. It’s hard… trying to find that balance, knowing when to just let it be. Certain people will always mean something to me but I need to learn not to have those expectations that it’s the same for them. It hurts a little, but life goes on and you have to remember there are those who WILL make time for you.

Still, sometimes I get oh-so-tired of caring too much and putting forth the effort. At least I put myself out there, but sometimes I feel like an idiot, never knowing when to just give up because I’m making a fool out of myself. But in the end, especially if you’re someone special to me, I’m not the one missing out. I am at a time where I feel like I am my best me, my best self. I know who I am and what I bring to the table. So people can become a chapter of the book instead of a constant throughout the story. The door will always be open and I’ll even hold the door for them if they want to walk away. All I can really do is wait and see if they ever come knocking again. But the ones who remain? The ones who are still on my side of the door? They are one of the biggest reasons I am the way I am today and I am forever thankful.