When I came home this summer from NYC, I came back a different person and everyone could tell. I was, as I said, the best version of me, happy, positive and in a sunny place - geared and ready to take on the beginning of the dance season. It didn't take long for all that to change.
September 17, 2013, not long after the studio started up again, not long after an Old City reunion w/a friend & a goodbye closure in Chinatown - life knocked me off my happy high. The moment that driver behind me decided not to look in front of him and cause my head to hit the window as it was turned looking for oncoming traffic - life had thrown me another curve ball and I've never really been quite the same since then. It's why all the very select & few moments I try to steal are SO important. It's why I have to remember and remind myself always right now - I am still recovering. I need to slow down and just take time.
While sifting through the mess that is the 2nd bedroom in my house, I found my 2013 calendar. I looked at the time of the accident and onwards and then into my new one for 2014. It's no wonder... I've been so focused on being me - on being perfect and above parr - that I lost sight of what I really needed... rest, time, recovery. And maybe I did a little - my version of it at least - but my lifestyle, especially at that time, was not one where I could just take that time and heal. In many ways I am still trying to catch up w/life. I can't seem to quite get there. I'm trying so hard to chase it down and in this race to beat it I've only stressed myself out more and prolonged my recovery.
What did I do after my accident? What did I throw myself into when my head was scrambled and needing stability - physically and mentally? I had a photo shoot a few days later, I had a performance that weekend, I had rehearsal after rehearsal and have had 5, 6 more performances?? I kept dancing. When I would teach I'd try not to move as much but it was so physically hard. My students actually had to scold me...but then I'd go home and neeeeeeeed to move.. and so I would. I listened constantly to music for recital and was crazy with music editing and emails. While I took a small break from taking class I still went into the city often and went to loud concerts, bars, and clubs. I allowed myself to sleep a lot... but w/my lifestyle - healing a concussion no matter how minor is just practically impossible.
The crazy thing is that I have been feeling so unproductive too... and it's weighing down on me... and it's making me doubt my abilities... and it's making me feel like I am just not good enough in every aspect of my life. It's making me question my entire life itself. After the accident, after the health scare on Christmas Eve - I've been on this whole "life is short. make it count. be grateful" kick. I feel like I'm letting myself down and making other people think I'm just weird.. and then my ego takes a hit and I don't know how to handle it. My self-esteem seems to be plummeting at a rapid race and I'm overwhelmed with so many things, deadlines, projects, people... I'm not enjoying all the things that I used to. It's like...when I got that concussion it was enough to slow me down that the couple outlets that actually made all the difference were not there for me and that's all it takes. Lately it feels like my life is just spinning out of control. You look at me and I seem fine - "tired", "stressed", "the usual" - but inside I'm fighting a battle with myself.
With how I'm feeling, the lack of self-confidence and belief in myself, it's starting to change me - and I feel extremely unhappy. Something has to be done. I realized that no matter what's going on, what is happening I still continue to do the things I want even if medically inadvisable. In the end, I will always get done what needs to be done and I will find the time for things that are important.
Recovery - it takes time... time I think I don't have... but if I calm my mind, settle my heart, forgive myself, and let it go - I can actually take all the time in the world.
While sifting through the mess that is the 2nd bedroom in my house, I found my 2013 calendar. I looked at the time of the accident and onwards and then into my new one for 2014. It's no wonder... I've been so focused on being me - on being perfect and above parr - that I lost sight of what I really needed... rest, time, recovery. And maybe I did a little - my version of it at least - but my lifestyle, especially at that time, was not one where I could just take that time and heal. In many ways I am still trying to catch up w/life. I can't seem to quite get there. I'm trying so hard to chase it down and in this race to beat it I've only stressed myself out more and prolonged my recovery.
What did I do after my accident? What did I throw myself into when my head was scrambled and needing stability - physically and mentally? I had a photo shoot a few days later, I had a performance that weekend, I had rehearsal after rehearsal and have had 5, 6 more performances?? I kept dancing. When I would teach I'd try not to move as much but it was so physically hard. My students actually had to scold me...but then I'd go home and neeeeeeeed to move.. and so I would. I listened constantly to music for recital and was crazy with music editing and emails. While I took a small break from taking class I still went into the city often and went to loud concerts, bars, and clubs. I allowed myself to sleep a lot... but w/my lifestyle - healing a concussion no matter how minor is just practically impossible.
The crazy thing is that I have been feeling so unproductive too... and it's weighing down on me... and it's making me doubt my abilities... and it's making me feel like I am just not good enough in every aspect of my life. It's making me question my entire life itself. After the accident, after the health scare on Christmas Eve - I've been on this whole "life is short. make it count. be grateful" kick. I feel like I'm letting myself down and making other people think I'm just weird.. and then my ego takes a hit and I don't know how to handle it. My self-esteem seems to be plummeting at a rapid race and I'm overwhelmed with so many things, deadlines, projects, people... I'm not enjoying all the things that I used to. It's like...when I got that concussion it was enough to slow me down that the couple outlets that actually made all the difference were not there for me and that's all it takes. Lately it feels like my life is just spinning out of control. You look at me and I seem fine - "tired", "stressed", "the usual" - but inside I'm fighting a battle with myself.
With how I'm feeling, the lack of self-confidence and belief in myself, it's starting to change me - and I feel extremely unhappy. Something has to be done. I realized that no matter what's going on, what is happening I still continue to do the things I want even if medically inadvisable. In the end, I will always get done what needs to be done and I will find the time for things that are important.
Recovery - it takes time... time I think I don't have... but if I calm my mind, settle my heart, forgive myself, and let it go - I can actually take all the time in the world.
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